For months I used to go through my entire day with anticipation. Work was just another monotonous thing, an obstacle always in between me and what I wanted most. Time was that ever constant and unchangeable facet of the day that I could only take control of should I focus on something else for a while. In essence it was time travel, even though it was the same 9 hours of the day, as I managed to fast forward to the most exciting part of my life. This moment is what I thought about all day, and I would become so anxious as I arrived home to log onto my AOL Instant Messenger, impatiently waiting for the log-in process to finish, sometimes only to find that the one screen name I wanted to see was actually "offline."

It would be a few more hours wait, but this time it was harder to find something else to focus on.

Some days I'd be so anxious I couldn't even wait any longer, so I loaded up Skype and instead tried to make the phone call. It was better to hear her voice anyway, and even silence would be better than nothing, as long as I knew she was on the other line thinking of me. But the phone did nothing but ring and ring, and then eventually voicemail: "It's me!"

It was about that time that I tried to remember what time it was in Texas. 9 hours difference can make a person forget sometimes. I quickly added 3 hours and then subtracted twelve; the quickest way to solve the problem. 7 p.m. I concluded. I would be a day ahead of her, so now I had to figure out what her schedule usually was. On multiple weekdays she would be at church or prayer, and Friday - if football season started - she might be at the game. If none of that were possible, or if it was the weekend, then I'd begin to wonder where she was at. Probably out shopping or doing something with friends. Either way, I would have to wait, as it was my only option at this point.

Painstakingly I listened for the sound of the "open door" coming from AIM, and when it did I would quickly change over to the window to see if it was the one I've been waiting for. Alas, it was just another person I knew from the internet. I would go back to catching up on my RSS feeds for now. It became a frustrating process after a while; especially as I began to get tired just sitting in front of my computer. It was getting later and later, and if I waited any longer I might risk cutting into sleep.

But that didn't matter to me. As long as I got to exchange a few words. Feel how happy she was. Know what was going on in her life and be able to be a part of hers. That's all that I wanted. She didn't know how much I thought of her throughout the day. How much I still do. She didn't know that she was what got me through the entire day, knowing that she'd be at the end of it to make everything better. She didn't know that it was what made my days go by faster, when I thought about getting out of here and finally getting to see her smiling face again.

She didn't know.

She logs on, and for a moment I know that she is mine now. Whatever had her attention before, it no longer mattered, because now she was all mine, and I would be all hers. There was not a moment to waste, and if I couldn't wait that day for her to get settled and start the conversation herself, I would jump on the opportunity. So began the moment where we could pick up where we left off, or we could share something new or talk about our respective futures. It was a moment that I could forget where I was, and I could leave all my stresses behind me and focus on where I was going in life. These conversations were so important to me. I began to immerse myself and not even think about anything else, and I wanted so much to hear from her and about her and everything that was going on with her. Now was that time, and it was these moments that meant so much to me and that I held so dear.

But she was distracted. It would take minutes to get a reply at times, and every second felt like an eternity. I couldn't stand it, and it was beyond frustrating, but I tried my best to keep everything as light as possible. Unfortunately, whereas this moment was the exciting part of my otherwise monotonous day, this moment must've felt like the monotonous part of her otherwise exiciting and eventful day. I suppose I couldn't blame her. She was still working on school and dealing with other things to prepare for her future, but I, on the other hand, was doing nothing much but work sleep and eat. Anything could've been more exciting in my life right now...ANYTHING...but every day I wanted to make sure it was her.

It WAS her.

Maybe I failed in portraying that to the person that mattered most. Maybe I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, and I began to get carried away with my angst and frustration to a point that I just wasn't myself anymore. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was already screwed up beyond belief, and maybe she had no excuse for being with me.

Either way, I couldn't hold her attention, and if I can't even do that then what's the point.
I suppose that's what she thought too...

The days go by slower now.

I don't have anyone to come home and be excited about anymore. I only have myself to blame. I can't for one second put any of this on her. I've never been able to hold people's attention for very long in my life anyway...so this one is no different...

There's a lot more to the story than you can imagine. I know that most people will tell me the usual. Forget about it and focus on myself and God. I need to fill the gap with what I've been neglecting this entire time: on my relationship with Jesus. I understand this better than anyone. I don't deny any of it.

but the feeling of lonliness and sadness linger still. There's still not a moment that goes by where I don't think about her or what she's doing. There's still not a day where I don't imagine what could happen in the future, or maybe what should've happened...

And yet there's nothing to come home to anymore. The days or work and monotony are just that, and there's nothing at the end of the day to keep me excited anymore. I'm on auto-pilot and I just want this deployment to be over.

There are many things that I keep trying to fill my day with to keep my happy or keep my mind off of the horrible truth, but those things are only temporary, and some days I end up even worse than I was before. These days I'm just not happy, and after everything that's happened I feel like it's going to have a lasting effect on the person I'm supposed to be.

I've lost my happy thought.
I can no longer fly till the morning sun.
I'm Peter Pan without his shadow.
and Wendy's not around to sew it back on.

The winter season takes hold of Neverland.
Awaiting the day that I might crow again.
Alas that moment may never come.
As I, Peter Pan, am forced to grow up.