Yes, Life will go on, but today the world Stops!

Saying he's just an actor, or comparing him to the 3700 babies out there that just got aborted, is somewhat a little harsh to me. It's not so much that, yeah, he's another number in this screwed up world that runs on statistics. Sure, no one mourns the deaths of thousands of people acting as martyrs in third world countries for their savior christ Jesus like they mourn the death of an american actor...

scuse me...Australian...actor.

But SOMEONE does.

and that's the truth of it.

Saying he was an inspiration to me, would be quite an understatement, because as an actor he was amazing, but not only that, he also loved everything he did and lived in the moment. I read the February 2006 article in GQ about him, and since the days I got rid of it I had wished I could find another copy since, but now it seems appropriate...I'll tell you why.

In that article, I found much inspiration in this Australian Born actor, not because of his film Brokeback Mountain (which earned him an academy award nomination), but because of his love for his then girlfriend and unborn daughter. (Edited from earlier thinking it was his wife, which wasn't exactly true.)

He talked about her so much throughout the interview, talked about both of them, in fact, and I just found inspiration in that such a great actor had found that kind of love...

but the sad news...late the next year...was that they split...

I didn't get into the details, because it didn't matter to me, that was paparazzi stuff, and I didn't ever want to be a part of that. But when I heard that they split, I felt sad, almost sorry for them because...I thought it would have worked out. I wish I could've heard him talk about their love again, or I wish I could've been there to understand his reasoning, because it didn't make much sense to me...

But in the end...he's an actor...the show must go on.

So he did, onto the most fearless role he's ever played; the Joker in the Dark Knight. In interviews Heath Ledger talks about holding himself up in a hotel room somewhere in Europe for a month, and trying to imagine a character that thinks AIDS is a funny joke. That's what I call dedication...scary...but dedication.

It paid off, because more than ever was I inspired by him as an actor. Many times I watched and re-watched that newest trailer of the Dark Knight, only to see him and hear his voice, which both were so ridiculously unrecognizable. I thought, "wow, he's psychotic!", and all the while I wished that one day I'd really get to act alongside that guy...or better yet...just get to talk to him.

(Before this I stumbled upon an article about Man Crushes, and for those that may remember, I pronounce Heath as mine that long time back.)

In the end, that's probably what he needed...someone to talk to.

Because after a role like that, I'd probably go crazy too. After having a divorce and having so much time to devote to movies and career, I'd find myself in a depressing spot and wonder whether or not my life is really worth it. When I'm signing up for roles where I pretend to hang myself (See: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus), then I'd probably start to think more about actually doing it.

Actually pulling the trigger.

It breaks my heart to know that it actually came down to that. Where suicide was the better answer. I know people, for the next few weeks, will probably do what I did above, and try and justify his reasonings for doing what he did. As we find out new information, which I could care less about, people will start to wonder...and people will start to flame...and rant. There's really not much to think about...he honestly just lost everyone that he could trust...

Yes, he was only an actor, and an inspiration, and always he will be, but that doesn't mean we take light of the situation.

I imagined, that, if it was actually me, then my friends who make light of the situation would be more in pain than they are letting on to be. That's actually a "hope" more than an honest truth. Because, though he was only an actor, and people do die everyday, someone DOES mourn him the way you would mourn your family member, or just someone you loved with all your heart. That someone isn't me, but in my heart I wish it was...

Yes, he was just an actor...but to someone else he's not just...

Yes, there are other actors that I put my inspiration towards BESIDES him...

...Yes...I wish there were some other way for it to have ended...

Yes, life WILL go on, but TODAY the world stops!

...for me.