For over a year now I've had a couple of scenes that I want to develop into a full blown screenplay. When I found out I was coming to Iraq, I figured this deployment would be the best time to get to writing it, as I will not have much else to do otherwise. While on leave I even bought a book on writing screenplays, so I could give myself some ideas and also familiarize myself with the format and how it works. Soon enough I was in Iraq and in the perfect position to get started. Only problem is, I didn't.

I sat on it for months, just going through things in my head and trying to figure out where to start. I wasn't sure that I was ready, and I needed to get a few more details down before I tackled the thing. So I started with character names, mainly the two protagonists, as they will be involved with most of the script. I needed the understand the character before I could put together a story, and that's exactly what I did.

Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of not writing these things down, and as personal life started to become more chaotic around me, I eventually forgot the name of the main male. I was horrified. I spent so much time looking for the perfect name, and now it had slipped my mind. I felt so stupid to have not written it down, and I couldn't believe how ignorant I was. I was now stuck, I realized, until the name could finally come back to me. I knew it would eventually, as those things within my memory usually do; especially if I thought about it enough, but for the time being I began to not worry about it, and instead I focused on something else.

I told myself, "As soon as I remember the name, then I have to start writing."

I was in the shower this morning when I remembered.

Waking up today was not fun for me. I still had a lot on my mind (most can be explained in my previous post), and I just couldn't shake the thoughts from my head. I began to compare the things going on in my life to that of the screenplay, and in a moment of frustration I began to talk to God, this time comparing myself to my still unnamed character. I said that I just couldn't do it, that I just couldn't make the same decisions as him, and finally, when I was at the breaking point, I said, "I'm just not as strong as..." and I paused.

I almost didn't finish, but suddenly the name clicked into my head like it had been there all along, and it had. Slowly, it crept out of my mouth, along with the realization that everything in my life was about to suddenly change.

"Cameron...I'm not as strong as Cameron."

At this point it was clear, whether by divine intervention from God or by sheer coincidence, that I was now leaving another person behind, and I had to become someone different. It wasn't just the screenplay - which I also realized I had promised I would start writing - but also my outlook on my current situation. Things are still going to suck, there's no doubt about that, and I'm still very emotional about the whole thing.

But it wasn't my problem anymore.
Now I had something else to focus on, or at least a few things.
God.
Screenplay.
And overall myself.

I'm still not sure where to start when it comes to the untitled screenplay, but I did begin to write, and as long as I continue I'm sure I'll have something when I walk away from this. I can't change my situation, but I can become stronger, and I can take on the person that I'm writing and even learn from my own characters. It's interesting really, how much you know but you just don't want to admit or even adhere to. I'm stubborn when it comes to things like that, but I know now that I have no excuse, and as long as I have all these things to keep me busy, then maybe I will be out of here in no time at all, and on the road that I want to be on.

Nicole and Cameron. This is their story now.
God, I am in your hands.