There are many ways to define what exactly a "douchebag" is, but in the sense we are trying to portray here, a douchebag can be clearly defined as:

An individual with an over-inflated sense of self worth; someone who surpasses
the level of "jerk". Can also be described as: Overzealous, pompous,
and a pretentious, Sugar-Coated Prick.

Typically, these people are commonly easy to point out, but just in case a specific person just happens to surpass your "douche radar", Andrea and I have figured out how exactly to pin-point and clearly identify a douchebag from amongst the crowd. More specifically, if you've been friends with a douche, and all this time didn't know it, but have gotten closer since and are currently worried that you might be with a douche; then we have a fullproof way to tell if he is, indeed, a douchbag.

If you're afraid of how advanced you are at detecting douchiness, then fear not, for this is the most basic version and requires hardly any work at all. The basic premise of this device hinges on one common thing: a keyword. Knowing this keyword means all the difference in determining if your significant other is subject to the douche curse or not, so knowing all the incarnations and various uses of the word will also apply. This may require significant judgement on your part, but in the end, almost every single use of this word will come out to one conclusion: Douchebag, yes.

Take the following phrase as an example, at first, without the keyword involved:

"You're the only one for me."

Originally, this is meant to be a phrase that induces emotions such as love and admiration. Typically, it is common amongst couples to reassure each other of their presence, and therefore brings at ease the heart and mind of a worried individual. Now, can I get a resounding "aw" from all the ladies?

Let me share with you another commonly used phrase, again, without the keyword:

"I would never do anything to break your heart."

Now keep in mind, it is NOT these phrases alone that will point out a douchebag, as these phrases are most often innocent and without fault. Add one keyword, though, and be warned that you have a potential douchebag on your hands. What is this keyword? You are asking now more than ever. Well here it is:

"Baby."

Confused? I bet you are, but take a moment for it to sink in.

This word, when added at the beginning OR the end of either phrase, is a dead giveaway of what most people define as douche. I hope you're ready for this, for it might be shocking for a few of you at first, but let's look at those two examples listed above with the keyword now added to either end of the phrase.

"Baby...you're the only one for me."
or
"I would never do anything to break your heart...baby."

Now do you see the difference?
Maybe you need a few more examples.

Without Keyword:
"I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you."

With Keyword:
"Baby...I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you."

Without Keyword:
"None of those other girls matter anymore."

With Keyword:
"None of those other girls matter anymore, baby."

Still not convinced? Well keep reading, we have some tips for those of you that may not be able to tell the difference.

Though it is fairly easy to pick out a douche from this word alone, it is understandable that the aformentioned "douchebag" may have been able to mask, seemlessly, this word into his sentences without any hint of any other meaning. This douche may be experienced, and it can be hard to determine if he is indeed telling a lie, or if he just likes to use the word "baby." For those that have heard this word used multiple times, and still cannot tell the difference, but is still concerned about your significant other's douchiness, then rejoice! For a douchebag cannot hide forever, he will slip eventually, and when he does, you WILL be ready!

More often than not, the keyword "baby" does not show up alone in it's connotation, in most cases, it will also be accompanied by two "helping words" to say the least. These two words, in context, are as follows: "Baby, you know..."

In other words:
"Baby, you know I would never lie to you."
"Baby, you know I can't wait to see you."

Clearly, we have a winner, and if you're just desparate enough to not admit this is so, then look out for the ever popular, "Come on, Baby, you know - " We know what? That you're a douchebag? Don't even let him finish the sentence. Accept it. Drop everything. Walk away.

Therein follows how to correctly identify an individual as a douchebag. For those who like to be technical, we have included a few notes to keep in mind while processing the douche level of your douchebag.

1. "Baby" is by no means the same as "Babe"; which is, most of the time, completely innocent and devoid of doucheness.
2. This does not include any form of "Baby" mentioned in song/musical number. On the contrary, if he's singing to you, and he calls you "Baby", then consider it the highest form of compliment, as "Baby" in song is the best pet name to use in lyric.
3. A douchebag doesn't stop at "Baby", but throughout the course of his following sentence he will fluxuate a few of the pitches, so look out for the emphasis on certain words to be sure of what you've got on your shoulders.
4. The examples used above, and how most douchebags operate, were phrases meant to be used as "excuses" or "reassurance". There are some phrases that don't imply "Douchiness", but it's these common phrases listed that you should be on the look out for.
5. Yes, we know that non-douches may use the word "Baby." So please keep in mind "Excess."
6. Yes. Danny Zuko was a douchebag.

So there you have it: Douchebag 101. For all those Douchebag's out there that might read this, I am terribly sorry, but you brought this upon yourself.

*DISCLAIMER: I do not claim that a Douchebag is capable of anything BUT being a douche. Any Accusations or Assumptions of activity beyond being a douche, is to blame on the douche himself. Though, I will not deny that douchebag behavior may include more than being a, quote-unquote, Jerk.