I realized something today.
I realized it last week to.
and a few months ago.
Something has been holding me back...and I didn't fully know it until now.
I've been following God...and I've been living for him.
But I've been looking for Love in all the wrong places.
I lost Danielle almost a year ago.
And since then I've been trying to fill a void...one so big and vast that it overcame me until it was a part of me.
I thought that my talent was all I needed.
My giftings and my life...everything he has given me.
Except I wasn't accepting the one thing that he wanted to give me...share with me.
I wasn't accepting his Love.
I can do whatever the hell I want...share my faith all I want to...and be a leader amongst the lost.
But it means nothing without...Love.
It says something like that in 1st corinthians 13.
The verse that has been thrown at me for 2 weeks now.
The one I ignored...every sunday and wednesday...even when the kids said it to me while asking them what they thought love was...and even tonight...throughout the whole message.
I ignored it...until the very end.
Where I wanted it...I wanted it so bad...
I needed it and the only thing I wanted was to sit at the front of the stage and feel the warmth of his love...
But it never came.
I want so much...to be what he wants me to be.
I don't want to feel like I'm faking everything.
I don't want to feel like I'm playing everyone.
...yet I do.
Because no matter how hard I try...It's not sincere if not with 'his love'.
I need some prayer...to help me find it.
To help me become the person I lost so long ago.
The passionate and unfailing person he has made me to be.
I want to be...true.
Please help me...God...and people.
Whether it be with prayer...for 2 minutes...that's all I need.
or just showing me what it is I'm missing.
I want it...but I can't feel it.
I'm so empty now...and I want to be filled up again.
It's just not the same...without you.
and I'm sorry...that I've forgotten for so long.
Please help me to forget the mistakes I've made...and forget about the hurt that I've posessed.
You're all I need now...Help me to find you...however long it takes...
help me...to serve you better than before...
amen.
Mattias is an actor, writer, filmmaker, and editor currently living in Los Angeles, CA. He often writes about his observations about life, the human condition, spirituality, and relationships. He also enjoys writing about movies, pop culture, formula one, and current events. Often these writings are 'initial thoughts' and un-edited, as authentic as possible, and should be considered opinions. If you're interested in commenting on his work, or continuing the conversation, you should consider following him on Twitter or share an article on social media, where he would love to engage even further. Consider subscribing via RSS for more.