I received a note tonight from [a girl] when I got home. It was waiting at my doorstep on top of a box full of some of my things. The note said:
Here are your things. Thanks for writing a book filled with all of my faults. It was very heartwarming. Have a great life.
In an instant, all the anger I've felt, all the times I ever wanted to be right, the entire perspective I thought I had on things - it all left my consciousness for good - and it was replaced by a very deep sorrow.
Not for me. Not for us. Not for her.
I felt ashamed.
The fact that I had made someone else, another human being, feel the way that I made her feel...it practically tore me apart.
I realized then, how screwed up I really am, and that I am an asshole.
I wish I could take it all back.
I wish I could fix the past.
I wish I hadn't been me.
But I was me.
And I am me.
Now...I'm determined to change me.
Honestly, the one thing that surprised me tonight was that I didn't feel any pain. I wasn't heartbroken. I didn't beat myself up, and I wasn't hurt.
I was fine.
It was almost as if everything was empty. It was done. There was nothing I could do. It was out of my hands.
So I was able to let it go.
I'm moving on. I'll change my ways. My life, with God's help, will never be the same. It's all I wanted. This is what I needed. I'm o.k. I'll be ok.
But there is one last things that I need to say...
I'm sorry.
Mattias is an actor, writer, filmmaker, and editor currently living in Los Angeles, CA. He often writes about his observations about life, the human condition, spirituality, and relationships. He also enjoys writing about movies, pop culture, formula one, and current events. Often these writings are 'initial thoughts' and un-edited, as authentic as possible, and should be considered opinions. If you're interested in commenting on his work, or continuing the conversation, you should consider following him on Twitter or share an article on social media, where he would love to engage even further. Consider subscribing via RSS for more.