*PLEASE BE FOREWARNED, THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY PERSONAL POST. I NEED A PLACE TO VENT AND RANT AND TO GET MY THOUGHTS GATHERED, AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT IS TO WRITE IT OUT. THIS IS NOT ME ASKING FOR ADVICE. I WILL ACCEPT FRIENDSHIP, BUT FOR THE MOST PART I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST.*

It seems that the one thing I feared most is coming to realization. This is an over-exaggeration, as I fear worse things than losing another important person in my life, but the fact that it's happening with this specific person is something I can't seem to shake from my mind. This is not the worst thing that could be happening right now, but under the circumstances it's harder than I could ever have imagined it could be.

Being in Iraq is tough enough. Being away from friends and passions...distractions to an otherwise very bleak life...I need those distractions. Over here the most I can hope for are a couple of movies that I watch from illegal sources that allow me to interrupt my heart and ease my mind, if only for a little while.

That's the problem, though, is every solution here is only temporary.

At the end of the hour, day, or week, I still have to come back to my trailer; and therefore, the realization that I'm losing the one thing that was keeping me happy while I was here. It was probably stupid of me to put my happiness into a person, but it's just something I can't fully help.

This has happened to me before, but not like this. This time I thought I was making the right decisions. I thought I was making it easier on us by focusing on ourselves and only getting to know each other better. A relationship is hard enough without ever seeing the person face to face for more than a year. We were simply not ready.

Or I guess it was only me.

Either way, the situation is far too complicated to explain, even for myself. In fact, I don't even know what's going to happen from this point on, or what's even happening now. If the past serves me correctly, I'll just end up hurt again, but to jump to those kinds of conclusions too early would be stupid of me.

In fact, writing this blog is really stupid of me.

Clearly, the answer is that I have to wait and see what happens. Waiting is all I can do in Iraq anyway, so what's adding more to wait on anyway. If it wasn't for being 1000 miles or so away, maybe I could handle this...just maybe. But at the moment there's not much I can do to distract myself, and therefore I can't get my mind off the subject.

For once, you know, I would like to know that what I have is actually legitimate. That it's not just a hoax.
A lie.

I'm being deliberately vague for a reason, going into the matter will only make things worse. I don't need to know more about what it seems like or where it's going to go. I already have enough of that going on in my head as we speak.

Prayer, I guess, is all I can ask for.

I need to be able to handle this. I need to know that God is there for me and he's actually not going to let things screw up.

I need to know that I'm not a failure.
I need to know that it's not me...
I need to know that someone can someday love me...

This screwed up damaged person who's too strong minded and stubborn...

I need to know that Eve is out there...if not already somewhere in my life...

I need to numb the pain.
I need it to be all right.
I just need.