I was reading a magazine that said this:

"According to a new study in Hormones and Behavior, a woman in love can recognize her boyfriend’s scent, but can’t sniff out T-shirts worn by her guy friends. One theory: Devoted women have elevated levels of the hormone oxytocin in their brains, which lowers their capacity to recognize opposite-sex friends through scent alone. So leave a shirt at her house. In a University of Pittsburgh survey, 47 percent of women said they sleep in their boyfriend’s shirts because they find them comforting."

In the same magazine, I later learned about reading facial expressions, and how sometimes even the slightest movements can make the difference between one emotion or another. It was very interesting, to say the least, but I don’t think it’d be something I’m very good at. In fact, I learned early on that I’m not the most observant type, and though I think I could try a little harder I don’t want to memorize a plethora of different expressions just to know what another person is thinking.

However, reading these two seemingly unrelated articles made me realize just how important and effectual human interaction can be. It’s not that I didn’t know this before, but as I began to think about it I also started to wonder, among other things, about how different things could’ve turned out if I hadn’t been stuck expressing love and emotions over a long distance.

I remember the time that Andrea Beth sent me a good large batch of photos (about … in all) that were meant to be a window in which I could experience her many emotions through each facial expression. I remember saving each file with a different name based off our many phone conversations, and having a blast while doing it. “Now you can know what face I’m making when I say [this] or feel [that].” She said to me. It was a great reference, for a time, but it does little good when you’re not around to convey those emotions.

I remember the day we first saw each other after 5 years, and how I was caught off guard every time I saw her smile at me out of the corner of my eye as I was driving down that long stretch of road. Pictures, I realized, were not as good as the real thing, and did not harness the power to make me melt or fuddle embarrassingly when there were no words to be spoken. Sure, I had to ask her why she was staring at me like that, but at least I was aware of the smile, and at least I could see how quickly it changed when I screwed up later on.

Makes me wonder when that smile turned into rolling eyes and deepening sighs. When was it that she put on her headphones and just wanted to be out of the car – on our drive together down this relationship road? There are one or two more metaphors I could use here, but the point of this is not about how or when the relationship actually ended, but about the importance of doing relationships face-to-face.

Again, it’s not hard to see how things could’ve been different, and I’m sure everyone knows that long distance relationships can’t last forever; still, putting things into perspective helps when accepting this awareness as truth rather than just theory. Now that I realize the small things are that much more important, I know not to be so naïve again. Granted, there was nothing I could do about the distance then, but maybe I could’ve done a few things differently, and not done some of the stupid things that I did. I can’t change the past though, so it does no good to dwell on it.

Nevertheless, if she’s reading this, I do want her to know that I’m not going to make the same mistakes again. I want her to know that it wasn’t the lack of love on either of our parts that drove us away, nor the happiness, but the lack of being able to express either of those through physical communication that could’ve been the change. I would tell her myself, but I came to this conclusion long ago when I decided that email wasn’t the best way to talk about the situation, and so I’ll wait until the moment where I can express feelings better (should the opportunity ever come) before I say these words directly. This is just a means to justify that reasoning, in showing the important elements that have been missing for a while, and just how important they really are.

However, I can’t help but wonder when that shirt of mine began to lose its scent, or when it was folded and put away in the corner somewhere...
When did it stop becoming so comfortable...
and when did I become just another guy.