Today I finished reading about the Kingdom of Heaven, according to Rick McKinley in This Beautiful Mess. There was a strange thing that happened to me while reading this book. It was, to me, incredibly hard to stay focused on the words on the page, and I found myself veering off to other thoughts as I read. At first I was quick to blame this on the Author's writing, in that he just couldn't keep me interested and I wasn't going to get much out of this. Then I began to realize that it was because of his writing that I was becoming deep in thought, and as I got farther into the book I found myself teeming with more ideas and a better understanding of what this guy was talking about, yet at the same time I knew that it would take another pass or two before I could completely grasp it.

At the same time, I suppose, I believe that God definitely wanted me to learn something here. He wanted me to find something within this book from the very beginning. Originally, I had logged onto Amazon to buy another book that my brother suggested to me, and in an sudden urge to make my purchase more worthwhile, I searched for another book to read after I was done. This Beautiful Mess was the one I chose. Strangely enough, when I got the package in the mail, I immediately picked up this one instead of the original my bother had suggested. In retrospect, I suppose it was calling out to me somehow, and I tackled it with not a fervor, but a general hope and slight anticipation.

My mind has acted up before, bringing me to places far from where it supposed to be, but never like this, and in some form I believe I could attribute that also to an enemy that was trying to distract me at every single turn. Still, I kept pushing forward, at times taking a rest or re-reading what I had glazed over beforehand, but never turning away from it completely. God wanted me to finish this, and he wanted me to see the big picture, and so I read any chance I could.

Finally, I came to the last chapter, of which opened with a scripture from Revelation.

You have to understand my thinking as I went into this. Recently I have thought about the book of Revelation and even Heaven to a certain extent. I am familiar with my previous experiences in thinking about such things, of which I could never wrap my head around. Anytime I thought about an afterlife, or of Heaven on Earth or the Kingdom, I just felt more lost and confused than when I started. It was hard for me, and it rocked my Faith in God more than any temptation or sin could my entire lifetime.

To this, I had decided that it was best not to worry about it, and instead understand that I would never be able to wrap my head around God or his Kingdom. Henceforth, I began to live the life that he wants for me on Earth, and put all my focus on that, and when the time came to experience a life after this one I would have no regrets and know that I did exactly what he wanted. I didn't worry about the future and what it held, mostly because I couldn't believe it and it was not my idea of perfection or happiness, but overall because I just would never be able to understand God.

So now this last chapter in This Beautiful Mess wants to tell me all about Heaven, beginning with a little bit of Revelation. What a waste of time this would be, because I already had decided that it was beyond comprehension. We were created to live a life that God desires for us, one full of passions and dreams that he has given us, and in knowing this I fully accepted the previous eleven chapters of this book. But this one? What could I learn?

It talked of perfection, and about God wiping away the tears of everyone, because in this new world and this new heaven and new earth, there would be no suffering, mourning, or pain. Perfection.

"Not in my world." I thought. This isn't the Heaven that makes me happy, because it seems devoid of the humanity that God gave us in the first place. My thinking was this, "How are we supposed to know how high we've come if we've never been to the bottom?"

"and what about life?"

Surely there would be life in this New Heaven. Even if the rest of us who had knowledge of the "Old World" lived in this New World with happiness because, yes, we have experienced the bottom...what about those that don't know of the Old World. What about children who have to learn of it in the history and the stories told down from generations?

Surely there would be children. Because life is the most amazing gift he has ever given us. I cannot be happy without knowing what sorrow is.

Now do you understand where I'm coming from?

To me, the passions that he has given me. My talents and my gifts. I couldn't stand giving those up, but in a Heaven I had learned about since I was a child, I couldn't fathom a reason he would require my gifts in Heaven. Unless it was worshiping him in song...I would have no purpose. To me, this Heaven wasn't something to look forward to, because in the end I would gain Eternal Life...but I would lose
so
much
more.

What would be the point of that?

"God, I love you, but the only thing I ask is to make this life a worthwhile one. To the fullest and doing what I can to spread your love and to live life. I will never get another chance at this, and even in my pain I can still find happiness in you, and this is all I could ever hope for."

Maybe that was my thinking. Then Rick started taking passages from another book, simply titled, Heaven. It was here that a wall was finally broken down.

• We assume that heaven is a completely nonphysical experience. We'll float around in something like either there and morph from place to place (think "Beam me up, Scotty").
• But the Bible shows that heaven will be a restored physical world. Imagine an earth that had never fallen under the curse of sin and death. Imagine a natural order with all the beauty we see now but with non of the destruction, threat, or limits. (Revelation 22, for example, talks about fruit trees that bear every month, not just once a year.)
• We assume that heaven will feel unfamiliar and otherworldly.
• but the Bible describes a flourishing realm of city and nature, of people and conversations, of streets to walk down and good food to be enjoyed. Christ talks about heaven as the place that's prepared for us and welcoming and familiar, a place we would choose to be over all others, a place that will give us that ultimate "Home at last!" feeling.

• We assume that in heaven we'll be without all our favorite things. If you're a six-year-old, that would mean no pandas or puppis. If you're an adult, that would mean you should brace yourself for a sterile environment (think hospital waiting room, people shuffling around in white gowns, and nothing decent to read.)
• But the Bible shows pictures of the lion and the lamb lying down together. The restored natural world of heaven is alive with life and harmony, with richness and play.
• We think of heaven as static. Harps and clouds and very long sing-alongs. Nothing changes. You're in a huge cathedral singing "Hallelujah!" at the top of your lungs, and the song...just...never...ends. No use looking at your watch and edging toward the door--you're going to be here for a while.
• But the Bible describes a heaven that is neither static nor boring, but dynamic, vibrant reality. You will have things to do, people to visit, meaningful relationships, fulfilling responsibilities. You will finally be able to experience as much of the joy of living and learning as you've so far just imagined.

By this time, I could feel tears. I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe it. God was telling me something. He was showing me a world that finally made me happy. He was showing me a place that I had beforehand dreaded to ever go to. It was like reading about home, yet I had never been there...and I felt such a longing. Then he continued, and I read of a Heaven that I could finally wrap my head around, and one of which that I couldn't wait to experience one day.

• We tend to imagine a heaven where we will have no desire because everything will already be perfect.
• But the Bible shows us that we have been created in the image of God to be passionate about many things, to pursue, to enjoy, and to achieve. And what we are most profoundly created to pursue with passion is God. We're created in His image; we're created for intimacy with Him. On earth we spend a lot of energy pursuing deceptive substitutes. But in heaven, we will enjoy the physical presence of God, and our desire for Him will be continually fulfilled, renewed, and expanded.

My thinking hasn't changed completely. I still believe that this life on Earth is one that I will never experience again. I will never get another chance at this, and I will live it to the fullest, following the path that he has shown me and pursuing the desires he has put in my heart. There is a difference though.

Now, I look forward to a life after this one, and I no longer fear it. There is a constant effort in the present to realize the Kingdom of God in our world now, as is the majority of the book - and why I recommend to read it to find something I have not represented here - but no longer do I have to be "defeated by earth" as he puts it. I live this life, drinking from the fountain that he's provided to me in the most amazing gift ever, but even if I don't know where it will take me, I know where I'll end up afterwards.

And I will not hesitate when the time comes.