Within the past few weeks it's become increasingly difficult for me to figure out what direction I'm supposed to go in many aspects of my life. After writing my three-part-series of blogs that reflected on the past four years, a lot of things became clear to me, especially the things that mattered. Unfortunately, coming home and getting back to reality has helped me to remember just how difficult it is to focus on these things.

It's not that I've been overly stressed out. On the contrary, I've had an amazing time since being back home. I've relaxed, work and life hasn't been too difficult, and to be completely honest I've been as lazy as ever. Unfortunately, it's back to normal life, as usual.

Should I start where I always do? I think that would be best.

To begin, my relationship woes have not made any progress since my return to civilization; in fact, if anything, it's probably only gotten worse. It's not that my ex and I have had any contact on the matter - count zero - but I think that's the main problem. Without any closure, and to still be unsure about what God's plan is on the matter, it just makes thing confusing when it comes to figuring out what I should do next. Should I move on? Should I wait? That's the thing, I really don't know.

I understand that focusing on other things BESIDES relationships seems to be the most logical decision. After all, things will be made clear in time, and I believe that. However, it's not that I'm worried about looking for another girl or waiting for the one I already know, it's about whether or not I should even entertain those thoughts. I still find myself in the position where I'm not really looking for anyone besides Her, but at the same time I think to myself - "Why am I waiting?"

She's not around. She's moved on. I'm nothing to Her.
Sure, she could possibly become a part of my life in the future, and I might even embrace that fact, but until then - is there any point in keeping up hope?

The answer is no. I've already told myself as much. The thing is, if I don't put her out of my mind then I'm still clinging onto her, and that's the major problem - I don't WANT to let go of her. Yet, I already know what the right thing to do is: Put her out of my mind. Continue forward. See what happens.

The simplest things are always the hardest. I wish I wasn't so good at giving relationship advice, because then I could be naive to my own wisdom...

I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs that I've gotten my confidence back, my "swagger" as I so aptly named it. I've already watched Star Trek twice and I keep going back to it because of Chris Pine and his cockiness. Anyone who knows me can kind of understand what I'm getting at here. The first time I watched it I went with my friend Steven. He looked over to me during one of the scenes on the bridge, where Kirk is sitting in the captain's chair even though he's not captain.

Steven says: "That's totally you...ya know."
I said: "I'm glad somebody else noticed."

Because being cocky is one thing. Saying you're cocky is being too selfish. I have to watch out for myself, because along with my new confidence I've almost reverted back to my old ego; which is utterly and completely different. Cocky is one thing. Arrogance is another. The latter could hurt me in the long run; could hurt my life and my decisions. I need to be careful about that, and to keep practicing humbleness; because if I don't then I'll be stuck in a place I don't want to be, as a person I never wanted to become.

However: The new Captain Kirk - Totally me.

I called the University of Texas last week. Turns out getting accepted into the college might be a lot tougher than I thought. Long story short, I probably have to do amazingly well on my SAT's in order to get accepted. Do I think that's possible? Never in a million years. (well...maybe a million...) So what does that tell me? I need a back up plan.

Oh is this a bummer. After being pointed to Austin over and over again, and setting my sights on this town, now I have to have a back up plan? Possibly a different school? This isn't good.

My thinking was always that even if UT didn't have an amazing Theater Arts program, it's still a humongous school, and therefore would allow me to get my name out there no matter what. Now I'm possibly going to be forced to apply for a lesser school in the area, or possibly choose another school somewhere else in America that I KNOW has a good Theater/Film program. Hmmm...decisions decisions. The tough part is knowing for the longest time that Austin was the place for me. I can't possibly turn my back on this revelation, can I?

No doubt, I'll have to do community college for a bit, and I still think that's going to be in Austin. In fact, this decision isn't so hard, now that I think about it. I just suppose it frustrated me more with the realization that I would have to work harder, or even just finding out that things wouldn't be as easy as I thought. It's not all that bad though. I have all the time in the world to make my next decisions, I just have to take it a step at a time; starting with my SAT's of course. In fact, this is all practically good news, because now I also know that I still have some extra time here in Virginia to quite possibly be involved in a few things.

I was introduced to a local film director here in Virginia who is acquainted with my father. For someone who wants to be a struggling actor in the near future, let me tell you that this was probably one of the most encouraging encounters I've had in a while.

The guy tells me he also acts as a talent scout from time to time, and though I can only take his word for it, he tells me he's usually a "hit" on the hit-or-miss scale. To tell me that when he looked at me, without any prior knowledge of who I was or am related to, that he noticed I have "The look" - has probably been the best confidence booster I've ever had.

The look, he explains, is referring to that moment when I walk into an audition. People will stare at me, he says, and they will tell each other, "I pray to God he can act too." Now who doesn't want to hear that as an actor? I would've jumped up and down if I wasn't trying my best to keep my "cool." HA, just kidding. But really, remember what I said about being humble? I know this blog doesn't help, but who actually reads this anyway...psssh..

He also goes on to explain that I'm capable of playing almost any ethnicity. I have a face that could work for either an antagonist or protagonist without any problems. Also, if anyone ever asks me, my age range is 18-25...EASY. Basically, what he's trying to tell me, is that as long as I have the acting chops, then I will have no problem making it in this business. I sing, act, dance, write...basically I'm what everyone is looking for.

Ok, that last tiny part I added on myself, but that's how I'm going to interpret it.

He says I'll go far, and again I can only take his word for it, but if anyone knows me then they understand I take what I can get. He's offered to get me on a few sets, behind the camera and such, to get me some experience on how things work. I could even audition, if it's possible with my schedule and such, and we might be able to see what happens.

To me, it's small stuff, but I'll take whatever I can to build a little bit of a resume and gain some experience. This offer, along with the realization that I might not need to get to Austin as soon as I need to, makes me believe that things are actually working out the way they should. I just have to keep praying and figure out what decisions I'm supposed to make so that I'm not stuck somewhere I shouldn't be.

Until then.
I keep telling myself.
Just one step at a time.