12:52 p.m. Tuesday, December 5

Last night I called my mom. There was really no one else I needed to talk to. I had already left my friends an hour an half earlier. I would be fine without them for a week; especially after experiencing half a roll of duct tape that needed four people to administer, one of which wouldn't quit biting me. Chicken wings and all, it was still a failure. 0-2 in my book. Thanks for the attempt in either case.

"How's Thomas doing?" is one of the first things my mom asked. He's good, started working construction with Matt's dad. I don't like seeing him work construction, but we agreed it's the best option we have at the moment.

Get a job, get a car, get an apartment.
Stop being a bum, get famous, so we can be bums again.

well, that's one goal in life anyway.

Being on the boat, though, takes me away from that.

Can't complain when I signed up for this though.

It's a good opportunity to get away, and I think God did this on purpose, knowing the direction I have been heading, the mistakes I've knowingly made.

I finally told my mom what I've tried to hold back from everyone back home.
That my happiness had left me.
That she had found someone new.

For a good week I didn't know where I was going, what I was doing.
or why I was veering.

How can someone that made me so happy, just get rid of it?

Oh well, it's not a problem anymore, so I don't need to wine about it...be emo.

Women are evil, untrust worthy.
Sure I love them, and respect them, and I can't live without them...
but right now, I just don't like them.

"Sometimes God takes us away from places for a reason." my mom says.

She's talking about where I'm living thought, how my dad gave me 15 days from the 1st of December to "get out on my own."

"Finally," I was thinking, I hate that place.

So I'll be out soon, once I get confirmation from a friend.

but she's right.

I think the reason my life has to suck for a few weeks is so he could tell me to get back on track, and to not be stupid like that again.

I need this time.
To repent for the compromises I've made.
To become the person I once was.
And to focus on my life again.

In between waking up sick, watching planes land, and counting the minutes till I get home. I think I'll become the person I once was.

Before the girls and a scenery change.
Before the hurt and struggles.
The person that people said would do big things with his life...

cocky and conceited!

"I'll be praying for you."

Thanks mom.

9:30 p.m.

Today was a "no work" day.
No 'birds' to fly.

This scares me cause we might have to stay here longer.

I'm just not ready to get used to living on a ship, and I hope I never have to be.

Wasn't too bad though.
With that many hours of doing nothing, you realize that chiefs have alot of stories.

I cna't imagine, though, me ever being like that.

Yes, I want to have a family
a house
a good income.

But I would feel like I didn't accomplish anything if all I had was my career.

You think they wanted to be something more when they were my age?

To be an artist,
or a photographer.
How about a musicion,
or an actor.

To discover new things,
To meet new people,
and change their lives.

When did these things change for them?
----

There's a story of a boy.
He found a place where he can stay the same forever.
Never growing up.
Never having to be responsible for anything other than the people around him.
Their lives they owed to him.
He found the lost and brought them to a better place, where they could be loved.
Protecting those younger and smaller than him,
from those with hatred in their hearts.
He believes in the first laugh of the first child, and with those happy thoughts he is able to fly.
"second star on the right, and straight on till morning."
Pass the clocktower,
because time is no longer an issue.
and that's why
"To die, would be an awefully big adventure."

If you come, I'll be waiting there.
It may take you all night,
but no one said it was easy.

See you at sunrise,
when a new day is dawning.

1:05 p.m. Wednesday, December 6

It's going slow again.
There's talk that we'll still be here Saturday. If things don't pick up then we will be.

The more I'm here, the more I pray that I'll never have to do a six month cruise.

I'd sooner volunteer for Iraq.
Cause if I'm not able to live life, doing something to further my future.

Then I might as well do something for my country.

and belive me, these "boats" are worthless. I'll be long out of the navy before they get involved in any sort of action.

Put me on a pirate ship.
Atleast then I would see the ocean as another journey, a road to the next destination.
Instead of feeling stuck, watning this phase of my life to be over.

When all you have is the future to hold on to, then something is wrong.

Learn from the past.
Live in the present.
Remember the Future.

Anytime I have to block one of those three out, then I feel empty.

and right now I just want to sleep, so I can wake up with another day behind me.
Another day closer to home.

11:17 p.m.

Sometimes, when I can see a light in the distance, another boat of some sort, I daydream that it's the enemy, and we're about to enter into battle.

One of which I can do heroic things, and come out beaten and torn, but alive.

15 hour work day and counting.
cure the monotony.

8:15 a.m. Thursday, December 7

One thing I can do differently while I'm here that I don't usually do at home, is listen to music as I go to sleep.

It doesn't really help me sleep...well...sometimes it can, but I needed no help last night, belive me.

In fact, I tend to lose just a little more sleep than I should because of a song change waking me back up.

Music at least keeps me a little sane.
It's my cure for everything.
an addiction.

My newest discovery, thanks to Brent, The Hush Sound, especially has given me the urge to sing (or hum) out loud in public.

The only bands that have been able to do that to me in the past have been those 50's and 60's music.

I think that's a good thing to accomplish as a band, to have your fans sing your songs aloud when there's no music around.

(or hum)

and at the same time make is sound good.

Well now I have a new goal to aspire to.
You can never have enough.

12:28 p.m.

I do love watching the ocean though.

8:37 a.m. Friday, December 8

This is quite possibly the last day on the ship.

Depending on how things are working out, though, I'm willing to spend another night on here, if it helps me avoid working saturday.

It's weird, how I thought I was over someone, and yet I still find things that remind me of her.

"Why is it weird?" you ask

cause I only knew her a month.

I usually don't entertain those thoughts for someone like her...

...and I know that's harsh.

In all reality, she is a very nice girl, she just need to grow up.

That's the problem with women though, the don't know what they want nowadays.

but I'm willing to deal with that.

3:27 p.m.

So, for unknown reasons (atleast to me,) we will be flying off Saturday and Sunday.

It pisses me off, when I know there were ways we could avoid this.

I don't know, but hopefully I'll be home in time for "Swing" Saturday night, where I told someone I would try and be there.

and then stay up all night, do laundry for the last time in that house, sleep sunday, then work sunday night.

My weekend has been shot.

(But I'm still ok with that.)

4:50 p.m.

So, today I did something I've neglected to do on all the days I've been on the boat.

I watched the sun set.

This is something I've been told to do, but just wasn't in the mood for.

I'm glad I changed my mind.

As I watched though, I prayed, and simply said, "Thank you Lord."
and left it at that. (he knows what I mean.)

I think I'm ready to be myself again, and (in tribute to "The Hush Sound")

I'm looking Out Through the Curtain.
"Won't let it pass me by again."

I'll be home soon, keep things interesting till then.

new notes:

1. I stayed on the boat till sunday, didn't get home till 2:15 in the afternoon.
2. I am now staying with my friend Brent and his mom. Temporary, I'll keep you updated.
3. I missed Swing...and that sucks.
4. Girls still suck.

That's all.