I got to hold a baby girl yesterday. 6 months old.

This wasn't the first time I ever held her. I get to see her every Wednesday night in fact.

This was the first time I think she wanted to be held by me though. She held her arms out and the mother said, "Take her, she doesn't do this often with people."

So I held her, and just talked to her.
and bounced.

I don't know why I bounced while holding her.
Maybe cause she was smiling.
Or maybe because was singing to the music playing from the sanctuary at the same time.

I said to her, "I need to get me one of yous."

..."and a mother to go with you...cause I can't take care of ya."

The mom said, "ya...in like what...15, 20 years?"

No. I don't want to wait that long.
I want to have a kid young.
At most, late 20's.

but I shouldn't think about that.

Another girl came up to me, and actually told me that I was good with her (the kid...you know.)
I think this was actually the first time someone ever told me that.

It's true, that I love kids.
but not when they cry.

I don't hesitate to hand "it" back to mommy when it starts to cry.

...

I still can't get over it though.

It's funny, I always wonder to myself: "Who will be the woman to provide me with my own bundle of joy?"

More than anything in the world that I've ever wanted to be in my life.
It's always been a father.

or...to just have a kid to call my own.
Responsibility will be on the mother.

Cause I'll be doing other stuff.
^_^

But why is that though?
Why would I want to bring up a kid in this messed up world?
Who would want to always have to worry about someone?
To always have to wonder how they'll turn out?

I really don't know why I would want to do that.

Maybe it's just...

...to be able to see them accomplish great things like I will end up doing in my life.

Maybe so I can have a son...that will be able to be cool...
unlike I was growing up.

or maybe a daughter...to grow up and act like woman and girls need to act like in this world.
To be that example.

But the generations are getting worse.
Schools are so much of an influence, that it would scare me to have my kids go through that.
Peer Pressure.

This started out as me just wanting to write a blog about how happy I was to hold a sixth month old little girl. To know that one day I'll be lucky too.
And to actually hear..."wow Matt...you're good with her."
Made me excited when other people agreed.

"Really?"

I used to want people to look at me and Danielle, and pretend that they would say behind our backs: "They're perfect for each other."

and i imagined how it would be once we did have a child.

I lost that...

and I hope to one day find it again.

I want people to be able to look at me and "my" daughter, and say when I'm not paying attention, "He's the greatest dad." to whoever my wife will be.

And though she'll roll her eyes most of the time at my anticks.

I hope that she'll look at me at those moments, and just nod and smile.

but maybe I'm just kidding myself...

I think I lost those opportunities a year ago.