During my last trip at sea with the Navy, I couldn't help but write a few journal entries onto whatever piece of paper I could find. The following is an account of 5 non-consecutive days, the last of which I'm writing today, and were all spontaneous with no direction whatsoever. I had no plan when I wrote most of these, as usual, and just let the writing take over. In essense, it's the usual ramblings and rants you'll find from me, and interestingly enough, it hardly mentions the Navy at all.

Enjoy.

Day 1:

When I entered training today all I saw was long faces. I smiled, wondering why, and then AZ1 Hogan started yelling at us to get out our notebooks and start taking notes...

I realized then.

Apparently, we are too relaxed for her. So I just continue writing, pretending to be taking notes on things that I am allowed to forget in 3 months time (technically 2.)

Where will I be then?

Austin.

Applying at the community college. Majoring in Drama.

Currently, I'm reading "Paul Newman: A Life" by Shawn Levy. Paul, somehow, grew to be one of my favorite peoples. He was a smart man who tried to make good decisions about his career. That's not to say they were ALWAYS good decisions, but nevertheless, I hope to one day have the control that he learned to have in his life; while also striving to be my own person. Someday, I hope to inspire others like he has me.

[a certain someone] has constantly been on my mind during this deployment; as I expected she would. This is because I've become used to my way of thinking, and I am ever aware of how dangerous it can be. I can't help it, but at least now I have learned how to make the right decisions. In fact, I already know what I want to say to her.

I want to be honest, and for her sake I'm doing it in this order:

1. I want to remain friends.

The main reason for this is because I'll be in Texas in 2 months. Life is obviously taking us in two different directions, and regardless if God brings us back together again, I'm still unsure if I can handle another long distance relationship at all; especially after the last one. That said, me and her should definitely wait and see what happens. Beyond that, I still don't know a lot about her, and vice-versa. I definitely want to get to know her better, and I have the feeling she does too. If God wants us to be together, then it will happen someday. By then we'll, hopefully, be better friends.

Back to honesty:

2. She's gotten me curious

Curious because, so far in our friendship, I have not found a SINGLE attribute that would allow me to believe that this would not work out. I can say this with confidence because I think about this stuff WAY too much. You already know how I view relationships in general. To say she's perfect for me would be too great an assumption, but the fact that every day I learn something new about her - and I like her a little bit more - tends to get me curious.

Curious as to why we met.

Curious as to why now.

Curious as to God's intentions.

Curious more in who she is, and who she might be to me.

Curious.

But not so much that I can't wait. It has to, and for the first time in a long time I know I'm making the right decision. I will wait, talk to her, get to know her, and eventually see how things work out in life and between us. Am I interested? Yes. But I don't think I'm ready to tell her that.

Day 2:

I found out today that Paul Newman actually had an affair during the time he shot Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid; one of my favorite movies. I suppose this was all common knowledge for those who were around back then, but to me - as a newcomer to Paul Newman - I never would have imagined. Sure, the first divorce was one thing, but one can kind of see the logic in that. This second "incident" though, I never saw coming.

Fortunately, and as most know, he and Joanne were able to mend the situation. She was able to forgive him, and, as it's in the past, I'm sure I can too.

Unfortunately, it still leaves me heavily disgusted.

I recently had a conversation with a friend about how scary it is to think about marriage. I mean, people don't seem to value the compantionship anymore. All they can see is the sex, the security, the physical, the "not-being-alone." The Love.

But what about the companionship?

What about the teamwork?

The synchronization?

Completing one another?

Maybe it's because they get involved too young...too soon. They might have been forced to for various reasons (see: child.) Maybe they've never thought about it: what they want; much less who they are in the first place. If they never had good judgement to begin with, then I can see how one would go awry in the future. That's not to say that people don't get lucky, but just look at the statistics, and you might find it to be pretty scary yourself. Just read a man's or woman's magazine, and wonder why it is that someone hasn't tried to figure this out before.

Someone has.

Someone MUST have.

Then why not tell someone else?

Blame it on the parents. That's what we all do in the end.

Regardless, I'm not trying to be superstitious here. I could never scare myself, or anyone else for that matter, out of marriage. I just want to know why these things happen, so that I can help prevent it. So I can have the answers readily available. Of course, I've always known the answer.

It's companionship: The one reason Eve was created for Adam, first and foremost.

It wasn't to reproduce.

It wasn't to help him work.

It wasn't to cook -...well...maybe...

No.

It was for companionship.

To be the person he couldn't be. To know his dreams, his passions, and his desires. To help him get there by any means necessary. To be the one that stands beside him even when he's at his worst; which she'll know, and who is the only one that can calm him down and bring him back to Earth.

Her for him...but also him for her.

So she can show him what it's like to smile. So he can know what it is to Love. What it's like to be selfless and caring. Just to remember that God is Good.

Beautiful.

Simply. Beautiful.

Day 3:

Today I skipped two hours of work to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks. Ugh...I think my childhood show was ruined...at least Dave was. Oh yeah, they play movies on the ship. Last night I saw Star Trek; which cost me 3 hours of sleep. I didn't care. It was worth it.

"Fire Everything!" is still my favorite quote of 2009.

Today I need to do laundry. While I wait I'm going to be working on a monologue. Nothing special. I signed up for a talent show on August 2nd on the ship, and so I'm writing about the life/career of a United States Sailor. It might not have any effect outside of the military, but I consider it a good transition from one life to another. The last hoorah, if you will, and a final Goodbye.

Because I'm done with this life.

That's blunt, I know, but it's true.

I'm done waiting and sitting around. I'm ready to move forward; especially after having not done anything for more than 4 years.

So I'm working on it. I'm trying to become the person I want to present as myself for the rest of my life. At least during this next phase. I've had a lot of time to figure myself out, to know what exactly I believe in life, and I think for the most part I do. As long as I can be confident in me, I think I'll find that I've finally grown up.

Day 4:

Last night I was watching 17 Again on one of the ship's movie channels. Eventually, as the movie progressed, I had a large group of guys siting around watching as well as laughing. Zac Efron should thank me, considering I give him a chance - mostly because I'd love to be in his shoes - and now I bet others are willing to do the same. He's a smart kid, I've noticed, and not at all that bad an actor either. He's going far. People need to just get used to that.

Now I'm watching Rebel Without A Cause on my iPhone. Another one of my favorites. Of the movies I downloaded and brought with me, I've already seen Peter Pan (live action) and A Knight's Tale. I also have Finding Neverland, Wall-E, and Breakfast at Tiffany's, but I doubt I'll have a chance to get to them this trip.

As you can see, at least slightly, I enjoy a wide range of movies and genres. I see Theater, in all it's incarnations, as one of our greatest forms of entertainment. It's not that I believe people should pretend to live different lives, nor do I think anyone should escape into fantasy without living your own life to the fullest. Sometimes I can be guilty of the latter, especially when I write, but at the same time it can be quite an escape. It allows us to experience and to think; though I don't feel a good movie has to make us think in order for it to be labeled as such.

If you're curious, I think the best stories are all about character. Simple as that.

Point is, there are obviously some good and bad things about movies. I know, for one, if I didn't have movies I would've been stuck in my small town with nothing to do all those boring weekends. Granted, movies have only been around for a little less than a hundred years, and you shouldn't need them to have a good time, but all generations are different in that sense. Then again, I'm beginning to think that I've gotten a little TOO into movies; regardless of my future plans on being an actor.

I miss the days where people just sat around and talked. Nowadays it's tough to get people to hang out. You need to give them an incentive - an answer to the question, "Well, whaddya wanna do?"

I just wanna drive.

Maybe listen to some music.

Get a shake, because I want to, and I don't care if I can't afford it or it's not healthy; especially late at night.

I wanna find a common interest, and talk about it, and if we don't have a common interest, then I'll enjoy the company anyway.

Maybe I'll run more.

Or I'll scream.

but I can listen too.

and if I don't agree, I'll tell ya.

and I wanna stop texting.

and updating statuses.

I want you to WANT to see me, be with me, not just hear a little bit about me.

I wanna BE me.

I wanna KNOW you.

and sometimes...I wanna watch movies.

Day 5:

So last night was the talent show. Due to the length of my monologue (about 15 minutes) I was able to fenangle my performance to appear at the end of the competition; whilst the judges collaborated on their decision. Since I didn't want to compete, and only wanted to entertain, this worked out fine for me. I was planning on writing the monologue here for you guys, but again I don't think it's very relatable outside of the military, but I have to explain a little bit of it.

Stepping into the shoes of a fictional character, I walk through this guy's life from E1-E9 (military ranking structure) step-by-step. So when I tell you that I ONLY got halfway through E2 before getting pulled off stage, you can understand how quick it was.

Yes. I got kicked off stage.

Apparently, and this is according to those people in the audience I talked to - and who explained to me why I got pulled off stage - I was too real. People could relate to what I was saying. They were interested, and very into it. So when I got to the part of my narrative, where the main character is hating life in the Navy because he's been lied to about how things work, and I say, "I'm stuck on this boat, in the middle of the ocean, with no privacy, disgusting bathrooms, horrible food - " Cue all the cooks in the audience as booooing me (in good humor, I might add) and riling up the crowd even more.

This is about the time I got pulled off. They started playing music, turned off my microphone, and quietly pulled me off stage.

Originally, I thought it was because two contestants (who had technical difficulties with their performance) needed to put in their candidacy for the judges, and I was fine with that...a little. It was unfortunate, but I didn't let it get to me.

Then I found out the real reason, and not from any of the official people who dragged me off. They were scared I was being too negative. I wasn't upholding moral. It was inappropriate. In essence, they were afraid I was going to get myself, and them, in trouble with the big guys. Interestingly enough, basically everyone in the audience knew what direction the monologue was going, and though they might not have known that it was actually going to get serious around E-5, at least they could tell that it would end on a positive note. More specifically, the character, at the very end of E-9, would say, "I wouldn't trade [my experience] for the world."

Regardless, half of me is glad they pulled me off, because after seeing how interested I actually had the crowd (which was huge by the way) I think I would've ended up disappointing them by the end of the act. I'm really not a comedic actor, and I can't write comedy very well, so I'm just glad I got the laughs where I wanted them, and it went better than expected; at least for that section. Not to mention, I feel like I'm getting more attention as the "Angry E-4 who hates the Navy and hadthe guts to say something" than I would have had I actually finished. Pretty interesting.

To finish off this long story, I will mention that last night, I was also told to be in front of Master Chief's office at six in the morning in my dress whites uniform - supposedly because of a phone call he received last night about my performance. Nevertheless, because my own Chief thought it was complete bull***t that my monologue was cut off, and knew that I did nothing wrong, I didn't have to see Master Chief. A Commander also took up for me, from what I hear, and it just turns out it was miscommunication to Master Chief about the nature of my story.

Granted, it would have been exciting, since it's the first time in my career I've ever come CLOSE to getting in that kind of trouble; which also tells me I would've gotten off fairly easy. Again, the outrage I seemed to have caused has given me a pretty good high about all this. I feel I've made quite an image of myself for the last two months of my career.