INTRODUCTION::

I've told you about my Relationships. I've told you about my Goals. Now – I'm going to tell you about my Faith.

Of course, for those who are coming in last minute, I encourage you to check the last two blogs using the links above. What I'm doing is walking myself, and those passengers, through the last four years of my life. Why am I doing this? Because I'm in a big transition period of my life. Within 5 months time, I'm going to be exiting the U.S. Navy, and gaining back – among other things – my freedom. I believe, and I'm not yet sure if I'm correct about this or not, that the past 4 years have been a significant time for me; specifically a time of immense growth.

But now I sound like I'm lecturing myself.

Sure, this is a time for reflection, mostly to see who I was compared to who I am now. Also, I'm doing this cause it's fun, and I don't have anything better to do. Well, that's not true, I have other things I could do, but right now I feel this is important. So far, we've already learned about how I came to the conclusion of what I want to do with my life, as well as my infinite trouble with women. See?

Important.

FAITH::

I can tell you right now the type of presence that God has in my life. Most definitely, he is that guiding hand that seems to be controlling which direction I'm going. Even now, as you know my future plan to go to the University of Texas in Austin, I know I didn't arrive at that conclusion by mistake. I know that it wasn't me that put that idea into my head. I also know that it took four years to come to that decision for a reason, and probably included my mass amount of immaturity during the early years of my life; I have no doubts that some of it still remains.

I do know that even with God continually guiding my life, I still have had a vast amount of control over what can happen, most of which has ended up in hurt and heartbreak. Thing is, there is still a lot that I had to learn in order to grow, and I have a good feeling that God allowed me the freedom to explore myself and the world around me. At the same time, he was always there, putting me down the path of the future that HE has planned for me. I don't know why he continued to keep me going, rather than letting me stray or fall off entirely. Maybe it's because, like other human beings, he feels like I'm destined for something greater.

My mother once told me that my name means "warrior of God." That, along with my birthday supposedly being shared with none other than JC himself, helped condition my mind to wanting to do something important with my life – For Him – from the very beginning. I mean, how does one disregard all these signs?

I tell you now. It is possible to forget.

4 years ago, when I was about to enter the military, I was at the height of my faith. This isn't too uncommon, as most kids who have been raised in a church in the middle of the "bible belt" can testify. I was put in charge of media for my youth group. I had a starring role in our dinner theater that year. Youth Camp was one of the most amazing experiences I ever had. Not to mention, anytime I wasn't with my girlfriend or at work, I was doing something for the church that summer. I had high hopes, and an equal mindset, that I would always participate with youth, no matter what. Most definitely, this has followed me throughout the years, as I still have a passion to be a role model for youth and put focus on them. Without a doubt though, I was a young and naïve little Christian boy. Hardly the cheesy bible thumper kind who could quote scripture and said "Jesus Loves You" to everyone I passed by, but still naïve none-the-less.

After boot camp, going into tech school, I was still pretty strong in my convictions. I met people and made friends who respected who I was, despite their own decisions in life. I even had one guy tell me that if I ever chose to get caught up in something like smoking or drinking, he would kill me himself. It was actually a nice thing to say to me at the time, believe it or not. Still, there were some decisions I made that were very blatant, and the biggest problem was that I had put myself in these situations willingly.

I never knew it was so easy to screw up. I was so stupid.

It's a good thing I was self aware at the time, so I was able to come back to God on some level, but it wouldn't stop me from making those same mistakes again.

I would get stationed in Norfolk for two years, and it was clear at that time that I was far away from my home church. I knew that I still needed a fire to stay close too, so I tried to search for the right place for me. Wave Church in Virginia Beach was my first option. Sister site of Hillsong in Australia, and my first visit actually being a Hillsong United concert barely a week after arriving. I tell you what, if it was one thing I got out of that church, it was the worship. In fact, I doubt I got much more from that place. In the end, I determined it was a pretentious congregation that needed some serious help on their outlook. Don't get me wrong, they did some good things, but I felt closer to God when I was by myself in the back taking care of our relationship by myself. It's funny, when you get told multiple times to "stop dancing" because of the way I worship, it sort of feels good. It feels even better when I get people that are not ushers coming up to me and saying how much they love the way I worship.

That's not to say there weren't good speakers there every once in a while, but when it came to involvement in the church I had to pass. This was not including my obligation to my work schedule.

Still, I suppose there wasn't enough of God, or maybe myself, in that worship as I thought there was; because when it came to my time outside of that 40 minutes, I was still allowing my relationships to control my life at the time. You can see what I mean in the first blog, so I'm not going to reiterate the details here. About the time I was getting out of a relationship with a local girl in Virginia, I started to get really down. I began to think a lot about Danielle, missing her, and with all these things happening to me, and work not being any help whatsoever, I just got into a depression. I never told anyone this, but I took up smoking for a day. One day. It didn't do anything for me so I canned it, but it was an attempt on my life in my own eyes. I was on the brink of giving up, and if I actually didn't know that girls were the least of my problems in my life, then I would've done something more drastic.

I had always been very bad about getting into my bible or praying, so to say that I was even trying in my relationship with God would be a lie. I was out of it, and probably at my lowest. I'll be honest, I began to not care about certain things, and though God was still present on certain levels (Giving me visions and dreams of which I'll explain later) I just began to shut him out.

I was no longer going to Wave Church, but by the end of that year I had flown my best friend over to Norfolk so we could help each other out. This is also explained in little detail during the second blog. We tried to find a church as well, or that is to say I stumbled on one at one point. During a random trip to Barnes and Noble, I had the pleasure to sit in on a girl's bible study that happened to be going on distinctly in the middle of the art/photography section. I suppose this means that, yes, I went to a church because of girls at one point in my life, but I also thought it was more than that. I had a feeling God had chosen that encounter for a reason.

To this day, I have no idea what that reason is.

We tried that church. Participated in the Youth Group. I even made a video or two for them. Also, we were invited to weddings and tried our shot at the Drama and Worship teams. Unfortunately, despite all the friends we made and the good times we had, we just couldn't keep up with all the work obligations (again) and the fact that we had to drive 45 minutes one way to visit. Don't get me wrong, it was my type of church, and reminded me a lot of the one I left behind in angleton – a far cry from Wave Church in Virginia beach as well. It was just bad luck that we couldn't participate as much.

I still made some good friends from the little time we had, so I don't think it was a total loss.

So that was my experience with church during the past four years. I rarely could attend, and there was a noticeable falling out, though God was still there guiding me, and it was apparent to me in many forms.

First off, I'd like to mention the vision of priests and kings. I had it randomly during service once, and it literally came out of nowhere. It included me and 3 other friends, all four of us the leaders of this traveling theater. Using all forms of Media and Art being presented on stage, all for the work of God and whatever message he wanted us to put across. This vision was unavoidable for me, and though I didn't have anything concrete yet, I knew it would be continually in the back of my mind from that moment until it finally becomes a reality. It still is. You know about it. I have ideas and plans. It was a calling…obviously. I always figured it had something to do with a new type of mission field, America, and Christianity being the main target; because in my experience Christians needed more help than those who disregarded any form of organized religion.

Unfortunately, just because I'm called to do something doesn't mean I'm ready for it. I was still screwing up tremendously, still not in my bible as much as I needed to be, and still making the same old mistakes.

It was during my sisters graduation that I asked God for an intervention, on the plane ride to be exact. More details can be found in the first blog, but I can probably say that it was a definite time where I started – or at least expressed interest – in bringing God back into my life. I would become stronger for a time, though hardly what it needed to be (I still had a problem opening my bible), but then Andrea came along. It's not her fault that I may have lost focus, that blame goes entirely on me, and I will say that there were times that we legitimately helped each other. Still, even though I wasn't making all the same mistakes, I was now struggling with new ones. Jealousy being a big one that I needed to get control of.

I said it before, and I'll say it again: God was still there.

Even during the tough times, he was still planting things into my head. This time it involved a scene; more specifically, one that I would expand on and eventually try and turn into a screenplay (I'm still working on it.) There was no lack of inspiration from God during those 3 years, and it was nice to know that he hadn't completely forgotten about me, even though I hardly pursued much with him. I tried, it's true, but nothing noteworthy.

I also found something new to be passionate about. It was while surfing the internet that I came across a story of an Honour Killing. If you don't know what those are, then I suggest looking it up and reading the stories, as they can be quite surprising. To be frank, it's the practice in muslim nations that allow a husband, brother, cousin, uncle (basically anyone Male) to legally murder a female in the family on the grounds that "They dishonored the family." Of course, I do suppose it happens to males too, but I believe it's very…VERY rare. This was something I couldn't actually believe was happening in the world, and a fire lighted up inside of me as I knew I wanted to do something about it.

Like I said, it's these small things that come along that shape you.

I kept this in the back of my mind, determined to put forth an effort to change things someday. As for now, I had still to figure out the direction God wanted of me.

Relationships took control again. Though I was stronger on some levels, I was still weak on others. I was nearing deployment, and the end of my military career. If you read the other blogs, you know that I had decided to go to Austin at this point, and though things were iffy with Andrea, I still had high hopes for her and the future.

When I was in that transition for my deployment to Iraq, I was determined to focus (finally) on the important things. I was going to work on a screenplay, I was going to study for my SAT and ACT, and I was going to focus on God. All three of these things I would progress in, some more than others, but there was progression nonetheless. The screenplay turned into research about Sex Trafficking, following the lines of Honour Killings, and another thing I became emotionally passionate about. Though my screenplay would include only a little mention of these things, it wasn't supposed to be the entire focus, but I was still determined to do more about this in the future. Priests and Kings turned into a Non-Profit Organization that would still do the same things, but instead the money would go towards stopping these atrocities.

SAT's and ACT's? I studied. We'll have to wait and see how I do on the test.

God was a struggle - mostly because I was still struggling with a long distance relationship. I know that's no excuse, but it's true. I worked at it, I'm not going to lie, and though I was still distant from him I tried to get closer. I read books, bought DVD's, and explored more of my bible than I ever had in the past (I actually have come to the conclusion that Paul is overrated. The guy barely had his stuff figured out.) When my other relationship ended, it was a ripe time for me to get back into God, and I really tried. It wasn't my best, but I tried.

I know for a fact that I still need more of him. If I've learned anything from writing these three blogs, it has been that, and I'm glad I'm realizing it towards the end of this small project. Throughout the past few weeks, I can't say I've been going strong. It's still a working effort for me. But I did notice something in Germany that sort of just…happened.

I got my swagger back.

My confidence. My stride (Physically and Metaphorically speaking).

I know it's been a combination of what I've just been through with my life (Relationships, Goals, Faith.) These things are what have shaped me. Coming out of High School I was an entity all on my own, but throughout time I believe I lost some of that. Well I've now gained it back, and then some. More amazing is the fact that God has been there guiding me the entire time, and he never let up on any aspect. If there was something he wanted me to learn, or do, or experience, then I believe he did it without hesitation. If there was anything I learned later than I should have, it was because of myself; because I slowed down the process. The good news is that the process never stopped regardless.