INTRODUCTION::

I'm at a big turning point in my life. Within half a year's time I will be out of the U.S. Navy, and I will be moving forward with a life that I truly believe has been left on hold since that first night I shipped off to boot camp (November 8th, 2005.) Since then I have been on a journey that has taken me away from everything I thought I knew, and what I believe was God's attempt at breaking me down, and then putting me back together again; with one or two fluctuations in between. Looking back on the past 4 years, I can honestly say that I've grown a little…somewhat…and that perhaps now my time in the wilderness has come to a close, and I'm finally ready to become who I'm supposed to be. It's still not over yet, but in my mind it is simply right around the corner, and all I have to do is take that next big step.

The questions now are of development: What have I learned? Where have I come from? Who am I now?
I believe I will find these answers upon the conclusion of this chapter in my life, but first I think this is a good point to stop and reflect; in order to be truly ready for where I'm about to go. So I want to bring you on a journey with me. I'm going to attempt to summarize the past four years of my life from three different perspectives: Relationships, Goals, and Faith; each one devoted to a different blog post. I'm going to break it all down, separate the past from the present, and hopefully answer those questions above so I can move on to the right future.

Will I come to some sort of revelation by the end of all this? Nah, probably not, but at least it'll be a good chance to look back before I move ahead. Has my life really been so exciting that it merits such strong hindsight? Definitely not, I'm so boring you'll probably close this after the first two paragraphs, but I have nothing better to do…so why not? Will you learn more about me than you think you ever wanted to? Yes, I think in order to truly understand myself, I'll have to be as honest as possible, and that's what I plan on doing. I honestly have no plan for this other than to write and see what comes to fruition. This will, by no means, cover every aspect of the past four years, but if anything, I expect this to be one wild ride through the mind and psyche of Mattias Marasigan…just hopefully not in the third person. If this suits your interest, then I welcome you on board, and if not, then know that the invitation is always there.

So, without further ado, I now present to you a fraction of my life through those defining moments: From ages 18 to 22. From Texas, to Virginia, to Iraq. From couch hopping to my first apartment. From one girl to the next. From losing myself to finding God. It's about Passion. It's about Momentum. Actually, it's probably more about wasting time than anything else, but to put it in the words of the band Switchfoot: [it's about] Life, Love, and Why.

RELATIONSHIPS::

On this day, four years ago, I was one month away from High School Graduation. Having already experienced the most amazing senior year I could imagine, at that time I was probably thinking I was invincible. I had my best friends around me, I didn't have to worry about college, and to top it all off – I was in love. Not many seniors could probably say that.

Yes. It was perfect.

Now I could go into the story about how I fell in love with Danielle Marie; could tell you about how we met and what we'd been through. Really, I could probably devote an entire two-thirds of this post to her, but that would be breaking the 4 year boundary, and I don't believe it's necessary. Instead I will tell you that, at the time, she was everything I had ever wanted.

It's a strange thing to know someone so well, but I truly believe that she knew everything about me, and I about her. We had experienced a lot of firsts together, including being each others first love. I'm not going to say we didn't have our hardships, in fact, I know we had a load of them. Mostly, they were because of me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was a very immature person, not so much in my behavior but in my thinking. I guess it could be called naivety, as I just simply didn't understand the things that I was doing while I was doing them. Not only that, but I was flirtatious as well, something I would deny time and time again. I honestly didn't believe it, telling myself that I'm not going to stop talking to girls just because I have a girlfriend, "They're friends, and nothing more." Yeah, I think I might have said that a few times.

Don't get me wrong, I never cheated on Danielle, not once, but I will say that I had my doubts. It was these other girls that were the problem, I thought, but what I really didn't know was that truthfully – I didn't know what I wanted.

Yet, somehow, she managed to stick by me. No matter how many breaks we had, no matter how many times I was unsure of our relationship, we kept coming back together. To be honest, I'm still unsure if doing so was an honest connection or just plain stupid; however, as long as we had each other we really didn't care, and we did. Every day we would spend together, no matter what, and it was especially so the summer before I left. In fact, you could probably say we spent an unhealthy amount of time together, and I think we knew that. Days before I would ship off to boot camp, we broke up again, deciding that it was time for a much needed break; especially since we didn't know what the future was going to hold. The day I left, she came to say goodbye, we were still very close to each other. That night, I didn't want to say goodbye again, and so I made a decision that would come back to bite me more than once in the coming years…I called someone else.

Bootcamp. My first time away from home. It wasn't the most unpleasant of experiences. Unfortunately, I guess I just wasn't ready for the world at that time.

I wrote Danielle during those 9 weeks. Called her whenever they gave us a chance…but…she wasn't the only one. It's not that I didn't love Danielle, and it wasn't that I was interested in this other girl, but it seemed that me and Danielle had run out of things to say to each other – to talk about – and everything with this other girl was so new, and we understood each other a lot. I guess you can say I was confused, but it wasn't bad until I actually got out of boot camp and started tech school. I'll focus a lot more on this later, but the only aspect I'm going to touch on involves one of the worst decisions I had ever made.
Me and Danielle were still talking, not necessarily thinking about being together, but just keeping our friendship up I suppose. The other girl, I suppose she saw me for what I was even though I couldn't see it myself. She was smart to look out for herself. Me? I was just confused as always. Not knowing exactly what direction I wanted to go, nor which decisions were right, it was just a time that I'd truly like to forget. Especially after…her.

Did you ever do something even when you knew what you were getting yourself into?

Let me put it this way: Did I really truly believe that I was just going to go to this girl's room, bring her some pizza, some CD's, and listen to music while talking about things we have in common?

It was nighttime when I dialed Danielle's number, a night I'll never forget. I was alone in my room, and all the lights were off, and it was dark. She picked up, and as soon as I heard her voice over the receiver my heart sank. I went to the edge of my bed, leaned up against it, and I slid down to the floor. With my head in my hands I confessed to her,

"I did something stupid." I said.

"What are you talking about Matt?" She asked, scared…confused.

"I'm so sorry…"

She would later tell me that she got that feeling in her stomach that day, the one she would always get time and time again, before I would come tell her that I was having doubts. This was the one thing about Danielle. I could never lie to her, not that I ever wanted to, but I couldn't hide that there was something wrong either. She always knew, even if she didn't know details, she always seemed to know before I had the chance to tell her.

What's worse, is I didn't stop talking to this new girl. Never the same situation as before, no, but we still talked.

And I…was so lost.

I remember coming home after Tech School. I remember telling myself that I wasn't going to make those stupid decisions again. I remember surprising Danielle, and I remember that look on her face that was more of hurt than happiness, even though I was too naïve to understand then. I'm so sorry now that I couldn't see it. That I couldn't understand what I had done to her. I'm so sorry now that I had focused so much on myself, and even when she took me back and we decided to try again, I was still so stupid to slip up one last time.

Virginia now. New beginnings, I supposed. It was a time just like this one, except that time I was young, and inexperienced. Not that I'm more experienced now…just that…oh forget it…

Meeting new friends, that was fun, but it was also the final straw when it came to the threads that bound me and Danielle together. I got confused again. Did it to her one last time. Started getting doubts. She got fed up. She was smart to start looking after herself. (see the pattern here?)

It would be months of barely talking before I found out there was someone else. It broke my heart, even though I couldn't blame her for it. It was my stupidity in the first place, and I suppose I was just more mad at myself than I was at her or the situation. It would be the end of our close relationship that had been a good 3 years of my life. It would launch me into a void that I was unsure of how to get out of. After so many years of having someone always there, how could I go back to starting at square one, and how could I have been so stupid to screw this up in the first place. Not only had I lost her, but I also lost a part of my identity that was in her. This was August of 2006…and the time between now and October 31st seemed to last forever.

I remember meeting Aiko at a Halloween party that some High School Drama friends of mine were throwing that weekend. She was having car troubles, and after me and my friend Steven tried helping her out, it was determined that she would have to come back the next day and pick it up. In the meantime, she and some friends would need a ride home, and this was where I came in. We didn't talk much that night, in fact I'm pretty sure it would be a week before we saw each other again, but there was an attraction that was obviously there.

Friday came around, and I happened to be at one of the drama rehearsals for Pocahontas that my friends at the High School were doing. I offered to give people a ride to Matt Johnson's house for a movie night, and she took that opportunity to catch a ride with me. This would be my first experience with Aiko, and to find out how much fun she could be. Not only that, but it would be the same night that I would find out she was interested, and would become the first time in my life that someone I was attracted to actually felt an equal attraction to me.

Now, to understand my thinking, you'll have to know that the past couple of months had been difficult for me. I worked Nights, my last girlfriend had moved on, and I was completely lost as to who I was and what I was going to do in my future. Things were going downhill, and all off a sudden I find a girl that could make me smile just by being herself, and I was stricken. She was 16, and I was 19, and I knew what I was getting myself into. However, I didn't care, and I figured any opportunity was a good one, why not just go for it and see what happens?

It didn't last two weeks.
She left me for someone else.

It wasn't her fault, it was mine to begin with. I knew we weren't compatible with each other. She was wild and a loose cannon, and I was…well…I don't know what I was at the time. It was a physical attraction, and nothing more, and this would become more apparent as we fought about the decisions she made from day to day. It just wasn't meant to be.

Yet, I mention her here, by name, because it's an example of a point in my life that I got so low, I just wasn't sure what I wanted anymore. I was making brash decisions, and it didn't stop there. During the beginning of the new year (2007) I was involved with another girl, this time it never became official, and we were just friends, but we both made decisions that seemed to come without thinking and without regrets. I was losing touch with who I was two years prior, and I was beginning to become someone else that I didn't want to be, and what's worse is I was showing all my new friends a person that was far from the Mattias that those back home knew about. I was so…very much…without a doubt…lost.

Before I knew it, May had come back around. My sister's graduation was coming up, and I knew it was a time to find myself again. I went home, for the first time in over a year, and was ready to begin again; start over and forget everything that had happened. Unfortunately, it had also been several months since I had spoken to Danielle, and I don't think I was ready for what was about to happen.

We had just gotten done tagging Tyler's car with silly string. It had a new fresh look with the saran wrap we had bought that day. Later he would tell us he drove home and back to project graduation with our new decorations still intact, and with a big smile on his face; knowing he was loved by his best friends.

Afterwards, we went to find seats before the ceremony could start. Someone decided that our group should find seats at the other end of the field, and we all agreed as it was already crowded on the home side. It was a good decision at first, as I got to see some other friends of mine I hadn't seen in two years as they handed out flowers to the parents before they entered the stands. It was a good time to catch up, and of course get the attention I had always enjoyed while growing up in High School. Then I saw what I was least expecting…

She came through the gate with her friends, and I just froze as I watched her enter the gate. I watched her, and our eyes met, and the look on her face was another that I'll never forget. Tell you the truth, it was like an arrow, shot directly to my heart, and I'd have to say that she hit the mark on that one.

"What was that…that look you gave me?" I asked her when I caught up to her.

"I was just surprised." She explained.

"oh," I said stupidly, "right."

I waited for my sister's name to be called, saw her cross the green grass, and then me and Danielle went below the stands to talk. I had a lot to apologize for, and it was really the only thing I could do. It felt good though, getting things off my chest, under the stands as the families above us cheered for their young ones ending their high school careers. It definitely was a time to start over…if only I had stopped there…

You see, now that I look at it in hindsight, I truly believe this is the moment I had been waiting for…had prayed for. All I had to do was get it all out there, leave it behind, and search after God. More on that later (3rd blog) but I'll tell you now where I know I screwed up.

When I met Krista for the first time after 5 years, I thought that it was the sign that I was looking for. It was something alright, but not what I expected. She's an awesome girl, and an even better friend, but I suppose I messed up when I started focusing on this opportunity rather than focusing on God like I should've.

Rejection – I had felt it before, but this was the first time in a VERY long time. She put me in my place though. I liked that.

Back in Virginia, only a month after, I was back at square one. Figuring I had missed out on something, I put myself back in a confusing state. However, this time I started getting smarter, and I wasn't as depressed as before. I had been through so much in the past year, now I decided to focus on what I was supposed to and just forget about all these girls. Not the easiest thing to do, I still kept myself open to opportunities that never came. Oh how life flickered through those months, but I was content, thinking more about the future than anything else. Going to work day in and day out, I actually got promoted during my time on leave, and now it was just routine routine routine.

Then July 30th came. A Day that would change my life:

ur probably recieving this extra late. its better then never. so yea. this is my new email address and i hope to hear from u whenever it is ur not busy. alrite well t/c. be safe and most of all GOD BLESS. :)

andrea beth

You see, I met Andrea Beth in 2003, 4 years prior to this email. We had exchanged very little emails and/or phone calls throughout the years. This came as a surprise, and truthfully I didn't think of much except talking to an old friend. I called her the next day, and we didn't stop talking for an entire year+. Do I think I was ready for this relationship? No, I don't think either of us were, but something happened that I can't quite confirm at the moment, and after the first month of conversing over the phone we decided to work on this and see where it would take us.

Long distance, at the time, was a good decision. I wouldn't have to worry about losing focus on myself, and I could keep talking to her and working on a relationship. Seemed like the perfect situation for me and her. However, I still hadn't found out who I was, and I noticed myself going back to the person I was with Aiko; which was the one who pointed out certain flaws here and there. Actually, it was Andrea that helped me notice, but I refused to believe it then either; it's only now that I realize what it truly was, me not working with her and expecting her to be a certain person. If only I had remained calm, instead of getting frustrated with everything, then we could have worked with each other; and if only she had stopped jumping to conclusions…well…we were both at fault on many levels.

We argued, but I do believe there was something keeping us glued together. I did know that she was at an age that I had been years ago when I was going out with Danielle, and this thought scared me a little bit. I knew that I should be ready just in case things turned out for her like they did for me, but I still wanted to try, and I guess it was that paranoia that sort've drove a few decisions of mine. I allowed things to get too heated, and I didn't pay attention to when things were losing control. I know now that God wants me to handle things differently, and if only I had known that sooner.

It wasn't all bad times though. We had the most fun talking to each other and learning about one another. She was young, so it seemed like she changed her future profession week after week, not sure what she wanted to pursue in college. However, I knew there was a passion brewing somewhere, and if anything she enjoyed the passions of my own and supported my decisions. We seemed to align so well, I just couldn't imagine living without her. I know how dangerous such thinking can be, but when there's something there it's hard to deny.

Christmas came around, and it would provide a chance for us to see each other after 4 years. I remember meeting her and her dad halfway (don't ask how we managed this) and laying eyes on her for the first time in so long. I was awestruck, left speechless, and the drive back to Angleton would be one of the most nerve-wracking things ever.

We had a 3 hour drive ahead of us, most of which I tortured her with music selections from my ipod and my usual singing at the top of my lungs. I wanted her to know that this was me, and I made plenty sure that she knew that Relient K was my favorite as I played their Christmas album first. On a beautiful day, with a beautiful girl, one couldn't ask for much more. Except for some reason she was staring at me, with this goofy looking smile on my face.

I noticed it out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn't work up the courage to stare at her back. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say, and my palms were sweating, and I just kept singing pretending not to notice.

"Why are you staring at me?" I finally asked looking back at her.

"I dunno." She answered, not removing that goofy smile off her face. This didn't make things easier for me. I felt so embarrassed, like I was doing something wrong, but the truth was she was happy. She said she loved how cheesy I was, with my aviator glasses, and the way I turned red every time I caught her staring.

"Well…stop it…you're making me nervous." I admitted. Even though I would regret it.

I wish I could go back to those days where she wouldn't stop staring. I wish I could go back to the nights that we laid on the couch, falling asleep to a specific movie and not caring about anything else. I held her, and she told me that she felt like she was in never-neverland.

"I want to remember these hands." She told me when I drove her back to the place me and her father met four days ago. "I want to remember the way they look…the way they feel." The way she said those words, made me feel so regretful that I had been so paranoid our four days together. I was so afraid of losing her, and I didn't want to let go. She smiled at me, the way she would always smile, and I avoided eye contact, turning red as usual.

I wanted that moment to last forever.

It didn't. We went back to fighting every now and then, just getting frustrated with each other and our stupid attitudes. I would go to her graduation, have a major talk with her father after blowing up on [her parents] a month or two prior. Wow was that a trip, but I would've done anything for her, even face her family who basically thought I had no reason to be there. I was a month away from training for Iraq, and all I wanted was to be with her, and of course that became a difficult process.

She was sent to Youth Camp without any prior knowledge, and I was forced back to Angleton to be with friends. She broke up with me a week later, for reasons so ridiculous and alarming that I was more confused than distraught. Turns out she was just frustrated, but we never officially got back together. Just chose to let her focus on school and me on Iraq. This was the right decision, but we didn't really follow through.

I did get to see her one last time. She was in Austin, where her parents had sent her the weekend I came to see her for her graduation party. It was an attempt to separate us, and I didn't want to disrespect them, but I needed to do this.

Fred had wanted to visit Austin for a long while, and told me about his plans a couple of weeks before. I approached him to see if he still wanted to go, and it set us off on a 4 day trip to a city I would hopefully soon call home.

It was Andrea that first placed the idea in my head, of going to Austin, but the more I heard about it from other people, the more I actually considered it for myself; thinking that Andrea would only be an extra benefit. I decided this trip would accomplish two fold: to see for myself what was so great about this city, and to give Andrea Beth a gift I had bought for her to remember me by when I left for Iraq.

I would never tell her how much that locket was, the one I left on her Aunt's car without either knowing; where me and Fred sat in his vehicle on the corner and waited for her to receive it before driving off with an accomplished feeling.

"Where are you?" She texted me soon after.

"Oh…you know."

"…thanks."

"You're welcome." I said with a smile.

It's however much you want it to be. I told her. It can be priceless, or worthless. You can throw it in the lake, or you can wear it till the day you die. It's yours, and you place whatever price you think it is. I don't regret this decision, not even now, but I sure hoped that it would've worked out better. I suppose it was my fault all along, by not showing you a person that could make you smile every time you looked at that locket. Yeah…it was my fault all along.

We kept up our little façade of being in love, not that I really disagreed with it, but with everything going on it was probably not the smartest thing to do. After all, I still hadn't found myself, even though I thought I knew who I was, and I was just putting off the things I should've been focusing on. I just wanted to make it through the next 9 months, that was it. I still wanted to be part of her life, but things were just getting so complicated.

9 months. I told myself. We can make it through this if we just make it through the next 9 months.
I wasn't hurt by the betrayal within the first 4, in December. No, I had grown a little bit by then, and I knew the right way to handle things. I tried my best to be the friend I was supposed to be, even though things had happened just like I was afraid they would happen. I could handle this. I was prepared for it. I knew it wasn't the end of the world and we could get through it. Yeah, I did what I could and I didn't lose it. Till a month later.

"Hello." Came the voice over the phone. So unfamiliar to me that I almost couldn't answer back. It must've been one of her friends, because it wasn't her – obviously – because it was a man's voice.

"Hey, is Andrea there?"

"Who wants to know?"

"Uh…Matt…"

"Why are you calling?"

I had only talked to her 6 hours earlier, of course, and this came as a little surprise to me. I felt in my heart where this was leading, and I knew it wasn't good, but one can never be too sure without getting to the bottom of things.

"Who is this?" I asked rather casually. He refused to answer the question straight.

"Who do you think it is?"

"I dunno…I might have a few ideas…but can you just tell me anyway?" I wasn't going to play any games with this creep. I could hear her in the background as he talked to her about why I was calling. He kept asking her if she had told me never to call again, and she kept saying yes. I just wanted to talk to her, and I asked to put her on the phone.

"You're not supposed to be calling her." He said matter-of-factly, "This is her boyfriend."

"Oh…" I said, not letting on that my heart just sank ten miles into the earth, "That's interesting."

"Why's that?" he asks.

I scoff a little, because I knew full well he already knew what I was about to say. "Because…" I say rather calmly, a little too much given the situation. It surprised even myself how well I took this initially, and I can only imagine it's because I finally learned a thing or two about how to deal with these situations. "I've never heard about you."

This did it for him. He hung up. Kicked her out of the house in front of his family. I know this because she came to me afterwards, using AIM instead of letting me call her to figure out what the heck was going on. Within the span of 5 minutes everything was flipped upside down on me, and here I was watching as the girl I just talked to the night before – when she said she thought about me and her getting married and having kids – tell me over and over again a phrase that was like a knife to the chest over and over again:

"I want my boyfriend back.
I want my boyfriend back.
I WANT MY BOYFRIEND BACK!!"

Then go get him. I said.

I roll my eyes nowadays, knowing that she's just a lost little girl trying to find her own piece of mind. I still can't exactly tell you what's happening. We've talked once or twice since then, over email, at least she's tried to talk. I'm not ready. I know I'm not. I won't ever be ready until I'm face to face with her, as I've decided I'm never going to get into this long distance relationship ever again. I'll wait for opportunity, I'm waiting for that opportunity, and until then I'll be left to wonder what's happening on the other side.

Last I heard they were still together; though, last I heard she wasn't happy either. Something keeps telling me to just wait it out. I have no sense of closure, so I really have no other choice. I know she's not the person I witnessed that day, I can say that confidently, so I just hope she goes back to the person she was a year and a half ago. It's dangerous thinking to believe there's still something there, and to believe that she's still the one.

Yes. To be honest, at this point, I do believe we were meant to find each other for one reason or another. This is the price of putting your life on hold though.

Here I am, almost a month away from returning to the states, and life doesn't change much here. The outside world keeps moving on without me, and I'm still left with the same feelings and the same thoughts. It's not that I'm not ready to move on, but when there's nothing to move on to, nothing to do to keep yourself from thinking about it; when you're stuck in limbo just waiting to get back to the life you left behind, to pick it back up again where you left off. That's what it's like putting everything on hold.

You could call this square one again, even though I'm a little smarter now. After the past four years, with about 7 girls scattered in between, I was bound to learn something. I've always been smart when it comes to relationships, I just wasn't smart when it came to me, and I see how much I could make things turn out when I make the wrong decisions.

I've forgiven Andrea for what's happened, though I'm not sure she knows it yet. However, if that chance ever comes along for us to start over, I'm going to take it as literally as possible and make sure we don't take this up where we left off. We'll be two completely different people then, I hope, and two people that will actually work with each other rather than making our lives difficult.

I'm not going to count on it though, just in case, and if the opportunity comes to move on then I'll do so. However, there are things I need to take care of first, for me. I need to focus on the right things this time, and it includes my goals and my faith, the subject of my next two blogs. For now, I can say that relationships have shaped me the most significant way; which is why I chose to write about it first. Even though there's so much detail I've left out for the sake of length, I do believe that the reflection has allowed me to look back and know where I made those crucial mistakes. I've learned from the past, and now I just want to live in the present and keep an eye out for the future.

These girls, all of them that I've mentioned here. I hold nothing against them, and I don't blame a single thing on any one of them. They are all beautiful and deserve to be happy, and I hope that they find it someday, somewhere. For a specific one, I hope she comes to her senses someday, that the Holly Golightly persona of hers goes away at some point; because I know that there's a chance for us again someday, I just know it, she just has to stop being so scared.

For now, I'm awaiting my trip to Germany next week, where I'll take a much needed vacation away from this situation and everything else in life. I don't plan on getting on the internet much during those 10 days, and instead I'm going to focus on the moment and forget everything; including the states, Iraq, these relationships, and whatever else I'm leaving behind. They'll still be there when I get back, though I hope this time I'll be better at that point, and ready to move ahead. I'll probably pick up my points of reflection after the fact, once I've had time to just be with myself. Like I said, this transition coming up is going to change everything. My whole life has been flipped, and nothing familiar remains. I'm turning the corner and I hope never to look back. In two more blogs I hope that I'll have further defined who I am, and if not that I will know it by the time November comes around.

I can say that I still believe in love, I just can't say that I can trust the source of that love so easily next time. When it comes to relationships, I'll still be looking for my Wendy, my Jane, or my Eve. This things will come in time, and even though everything is at a standstill now, more or less stuck in confusion, I know that it will all make sense soon. Very soon.