He had gotten here.  To the highest point on campus overlooking a populated courtyard.  He had gotten here, but part of him wasn't even sure how or why.  he watched, tired, the past week a blur up until this very moment, where he stopped, contemplated, and waited.  It was quiet up here, and as he looked down at the students below he could feel his eyes drooping; his lack of sleep catching up to him.  The first breezes of fall were like a gentle rocking of a crib from this height, and he didn't mind resting a big.  Not at all.  Not on a beautiful day like this.

"I thought I'd find you here." said the voice of another, coming up from behind him.  It would be assumed that this other man had followed the boy, or just came after on a hunch, but it should be noted that neither is the case.  In fact, he was here even before the boy arrived.  The boy had only just missed it, hadn't been paying attention, or never cared.

"I came as soon as I heard." spoke the man again, softly.  But the boy couldn't hear.  He was half in a dream already, forgetting momentarily the reason he came.

"I was hoping..." started the man, coming up beside the boy laying on his hands atop the wall, and looked down below at the people enjoying the day.  He couldn't finish.  What was he hoping?  What did he want?

"...to help."

The boy started then.  Came awake.  Winced at the brightness of the sun, and took a second to remember where he was.  He was here, yet he was already gone.  That much he was able to determine by himself.

It was time then.

He picked up the machine lying next to him, felt the metal in his hands as he leaned over the wall, steady the weighty object against his shoulder.  He breathed slowly, purposefully, as he tried to calm his nerves.  His cool demeanor was uplifting.  He did not waver.  He did not falter.  He did not smile.

The other man took a step back, bent down to the boys level, and looked back and forth between the boy and the people below.  He sighed and shook his head.  Nothing he could do.  He waited.

Those first few seconds were like an eternity to him.  He kept his eyes on the boy then, not wanting to see the people any longer, but he couldn't help himself from wincing as that first shot rang out, even as he saw the boy hold his breath and pull the trigger.  His first instinct, after that initial reaction, was to race to the wall and see if the boy had hit anyone, to see if everyone was o.k., but then he realized he didn't need to.  He could see it on the boy's face.

The boy gave no reaction.  he was still as stock and determined as before, if not more so.  He had missed on purpose, gotten their attention.  He wasn't a sucker, he wanted them to know that they were in danger, because HE would want to know.  he would want the choice.  He would want the chance to stare fear in the face.

A couple more well placed shots and they would fully realize what they were up against.  They would scatter, and for the first time in his life, he felt, he was in control.

In the same moment he erased everything.  Everything he ever was, and everything he ever could be.  All he had ever dreamed, all of his passions, were gone.  His hopes to find a girl, start a life doing something he loved, maybe even to travel, be a writer, all these things were lost to the moment.  he was here now.  Starting a new life with a new him.  He took aim again.

This time...he wanted a target.

He looked all around, tried to find a familiar face amongst the students.  He looked for those who had neglected him.  Those who had failed him.  Those who were fake and hurt him day-after-day.  People said they would be there, but his whole life no one was ever there when they said they'd be, when he needed them most.  People lied to him, put him down, took shots at him all his life.  Now he would be the one to take the shots.

The man - the other man - watched as the boy gritted his teeth in anger, and saw as the situation slowly escalated.  "I get it."  He said finally, unable to hold back in silence any longer.

"I've been here before, you know, right where you are.  I've been outcast, forgotten, neglected.  I understand what you're going trough.  I made the same mistake you're about to make right now."

A face.  That's all the boy wanted.  A familiar face.  Someone to hurt, so that it would hold some weight in his mind.  A justification, perhaps, a sort of vengeance.  Anyone he had a previous interaction with that he could take his anger out on.  So that they might understand his pain.

"I was hurt.  i was jealous.  I was angry.  It was necessary.  They deserved it"  The man looked down at the cowering faces. "So do they."

The boy didn't hear, but he didn't need to.  He tightened his grip, the truth of this statement already resonating within him.

"But they expect me to do something." The man continued.  "They expect me to be here to protect them, but they don't understand that I don't have that power right now.  I gave that up when I made that mistake all that time ago."

AHA! The boy's eyes went wide.  He licked his lips, chapped from the heavy breathing and the slight breeze.  Finally, someone he knew, and he honed in for a closer look.

"You have the power now.  you have control.  I'm helpless no matter what I say or do."  The man saw the girl now, the one the boy targeted, and his heart skipped a beat; his existence skipped a beat.  He looked away, stepped away, the words caught in his throat.

The boy looked at the girl for a second, getting his aim and composure.  He recalled how he knew her.  Angela.  he thinks that is her name.  She was pretty, timid, and happy.  She had an amazing smile.  he knew because she smiled at him when they caught eyes in the hallway.  The smile always made his day.  It's amazing what a smile can do.  But there was no smile now.  There was nothing for her to hid behind.  Nothing fake.  he was tired of the fakes, most of all.  They were liars, deceitful, and she was one of them.  She never talked to him, because he was strange.  he wasn't very attractive.  She laughed at him once, and he felt stupid, insignificant.  no amount of smiles could cover that up.  His finger felt the steady pressure.  he whispered under his breath, "hypocrite."

He jumped again.  His head lifted.  he looked at her as he released his hold.  She was staring right at him.  he was about to pull the trigger and she was the only one gazing in his direction.  He cursed.  He went back to his previous position, angrier now than before.  he wanted her gone.  He wanted her gone because she failed him, just like everyone else.  She looked at him, not knowing he was there, and he hated her.  He hated her and her smile.

But he hesitated.

Because she was beautiful.  Because she was nice.  Because, if he hadn't come here, maybe he could've gotten to know her.  Mostly, though, because he didn't want the responsibility.

He pulled back, turned around, and put his back against the wall.  He tilted his head to the sky, and suddenly found that there were tears in his eyes.  He understood now why he was here.  It was all these consequences.  All the things he had ever committed to, put himself out there for, there came about a certain risk, and along with those risks were consequences.  He was tired of it.  Tired of taking these risks only to have them backfire.  He was tired of being hurt.

"Please don't..." The other man was across from him, on his knees, looking at the boy who cried, tears also forming in his eyes.

The boy put the metal cylinder to his temple.  He couldn't shoot the girl because he saw in her eyes a soul, a life, and a chance to become a better person.  He did not want to live with the consequences of disallowed her that.  He did not want to see that smile over and over, and realize he had disallowed anyone special of witnessing it themselves.  he did not want to live with that consequences.  He was not stupid enough to believe that one could live life without consequences, he knew that first hand, but no one ever told him that he would have to face all these consequences alone.  Now he no longer wished to live at all.

"Please don't do this..." The man pleaded.  "They don't understand you like I do.  I know who you are.  I can be with you."

It wasn't working.  The boy wasn't listening.

"They'll pray to me, you know, they'll pray for me to keep their loved ones safe, those they know are connect to this place.  They'll thank me that no one was hurt.  They'll frame you as a monster, heartless, or probably insane..."

The boy screamed.  He tried to exit all the air out of his lungs.  He tried to let the pain out.

"They won't understand what possessed you to do such a thing, and they'll thank me."

The boy shut his eyes.  Shut out the blue sky.  The girl.  The smile.

"But if only they knew.  If they knew how hard I tried, how helpless I was.  If only they understood your pain, your suffering, like I do.  if only they could see how much you cared."

The trigger squeezed, the boy shook with fear.

"In the end, it was you who saved them, and it was me who failed to save you."

The shot rang out.  The life was snuffed.  The boy slumped over and was gone.

And it was there the man broke.  Hurt.  Suffering.  Sadness.  Defeat.  God lay at the feet of that boy...

and he wept.