You Wrote:

"why is it always about you matt? i'm just wondering, but i read these blogs and
all i'm getting is "poor me, poor me" well whose fault it that matt? you
want things to be positive in your life, you want the people around you to
be positive, and yet you dont do anything to get to that point. sure you go
to church and you play the good christian, but you do it for youself. what
about the people around you who need your positive outlook on being a
christian. you say people have lost that, then show them where it is again.
show them that you're happy with your life and yourself, and your happy with
your beliefs. but maybe you arent. but then the only person who can fix that
is yourself. noone else. so stop with the pity party, and start working to
make yourself realize the positives in your life. you have a lot to give
matt, but nobody can see that if you're moping all the time. as far as i can
tell, you have a home, friends, and a church to go to. so whats the problem?
i think you've forgotten what it means to live in the moment and just be
conent. you expect too much, but the truth is you have a lot to be thankful
for already. the problem isnt everyone else matt. when your ready to be
happy with yourself, everything else will fall into place.-brittany"

I'm writing this blog, for the simple fact, that I know like 5 different brittany's.
To answer your first question.
Because everything thinks about themselves, first and foremost. We are a selfish world where no one cares about other people and we would much rather worry about our own problems then trouble ourselves with other's.

My blogs about christians, or most recently, were not about how they've lost positive outlook, but about how I don't have that positive outlook in my own life. Christians are very positive, in fact, they are very creepily positive, to the point where some of them need to wake up because they are being very naive.

Maybe I'm not that positive person anymore.
For that. I apologize.

But the point of the blog, was about what I heard in church, about how every christian needs to find that person who they know can be positive in their life. (now I really wish I did have the notes...and I'm going to get them from my new friend jessica as soon as I can.) The same way David had Jonothan, to help lift him up, and he saw God's plan for David, and would do anything to help David, and God to get to that point.

Now, we don't have to be extreme as that. But my point was, I no longer can find those people around me that I can just talk to about my God's plan for me. No longer can I agree with someone about certain subjects because, well, there's just no one there. I'm all alone.
But I'm working on trying to find people, I never said I wasn't. Constantly I look for people that might be more than just an aquaintence, more than just a face.

It's my fault that I haven't yet, and for that you are correct.
It's also my fault if I haven't been there for other people, which I assumed I was trying to be, but mostly for those that I've only recently met and such.

As with those that have been in my life, and are considered very good friends, I havne't been there. I've gotten so comfortable around them, that I assume they can accept me for who I am, good or bad. So maybe I haven't been too positive with a few things in their life. Maybe my image is going steadily down in their eyes. I don't like that.

So I thank you, for pointing that out to me. I will try my hardest to make sure everything I do is more what God has seen me to be, and not what I've steadily become (or backslidden to, because that might be the case that I am currently denying within my own head.)

BTW, yes, I go to church for myself. On sunday nights, I go to get an amazing worship service and message and figure out what I can get out of it. I always want to hear from God in those moments.

On wednesday nights, I go for the Youth. I go only because I know God sent me there. And I'm constantly trying to figure out what it is I can do for them, and what my purpose is there. I'm trying to help, I'm trying to develop relations, but on Wednesday nights I don't go there to get anything out of it for me, but I go there to figure out what I can do for them.
If I get something out of it, though, I never over look it. For instance, tonight's mexico testimonies were awesome.

You're right though, I'm not content with myself, and I haven't been for a long time. The "pity party" is so I can get comments like yours, to tell me that I actually have people out there that actually care about who I am. Because, truth is, I can go on being this person I am, because it's still me...through and through.

The place where I'm not content, is my relationship with God. I should never be content with that, honestly, but at the moment I'm not happy with it either.

You say I have a Home and a Church to go to, and you ask me "what's the problem?"
The problem is the cream filling in between. The "Friends" that you mentioned.

Like I mentioned above, I do have friends, but I don't have any that actually understand me. Maybe there are some that do, possibly back home in texas, for example, but it's almost like they've all forgotten about me.

Those around here though, they don't know who I am.
They don't understand my mindsets, my passions, my dillemmas.

You understand? I can't just go to perfect strangers and tell them my problems.
I've done that before.
It doesn't help me.

I can go to people about the small things, like work and home stuff. But church stuff? God stuff? there's a limit to who I can go to with that. And those friends around Virginia, there are none.

You're right though, it is a pity party, poor me and all that. And I'm already trying to change that, change the things in my life that make me like that.

But that doesn't change the truth, that I'm all alone in doing this and very misunderstood (obviously)

But I guess I'm not alone. I have God right?
The problem isn't everyone else.
But it was never about everyone else.

It was always about ME ME ME.
and it was mostly, about how I can't see God's purpose in my life anymore.
and without other people, without friends, then there isn't any reason to find that purpose.
If I'm all alone, then why bother.

That's why my blogs involved "everyone else." Because without them, I wouldn't have a purpose. It's other people that see the purpose in what you're doing, not yourself.

So, I need to find those people again, those that I can talk to about "purpose" in general. To help build my esteem to just go forward.
Thanks for the words.
and the advice about being content and positive.
I'm trying harder. I really am.
Then again, if you were more involved, you might know that, and then there would be no blogs about pity parties.

I don't like these blogs.
I hate them with a passion.
But if it's all that my life has become..well..people want to know what's going on my life...so there you go.

/case closed. email me: maverick.marasigan@gmail.com for comments requireing a little bit of conversations.