I've had my fair share of bad experiences. Nothing too drastic, no, but experiences in my life that have resulted in the lack of trust, judgement, and general rationality when it comes to other human beings; especially with those closest to me. Now this seems oddly extreme the way I'm describing it, but it's actually more on the subtle, cautious side. The truth is, my baggage is wholey internal, and sometimes hidden so far that I never tend to acknowledge it consciously.

Yet it comes out slowly, like a poison, and that's a more accurate term to use than I'd like to admit.

These issues stretch from my various unsuccessful relationships to my experiences as a child struggling for acceptance. I can tell you that my insecurities and doubts, they can all be justified in one way or another from my past. At times I feel I have every right to be as careful as I can when navigating this life. It's how one learns from mistakes, you be sure to avoid them again. I'm the victim of broken hearts, humiliation, and downright deceitfullness. I know the perils of this world, and I choose not to be blindsided again.

I mean, who can blame me? Everyone can relate to this on some level. Even if my experiences aren't as harsh as those who were victims of rape, trafficking, or slavery (all for example) it doesn't mean I can't understand what it's like to want to protect myself, or to be scared of being hurt again. Everyone knows these feelings on some level.

What I have more recently come to realize though, is that it's very easy for the victim to become the villain, as it was in my case last week.

I'm going to use Casablanca as an example as I recently watched it and it's fresh on my mind.

Most people, as they watch the movie, can easily point out the villain as the Nazi general (or was it major?) or even the Nazis IN general (oh I love wordplay.) This is easy to determine as a normal viewer because, let's face it, everyone pretty much hates Nazis, so it pretty much a given.

However, I am going to venture to suggest that our protaganist, Rick Blaine, is actually the real villain of the picture.

Aghast!! But isn't he just the victim of lost love? The struggling hero stuck in another country because of his past? He's an icon, as portrayed by Humphrey Bogart, and though his troubling circumstances and yet courageous demeanor paint a picture of the perfect heroic victim (portrayed through the famous love triangle and flashback sequences), he's done nothing more than become the villain to himself and others.

He's calm. Collected. Cool.
Yet he's guarded. Cold. Arrogant. And in his own words he "sticks his neck out for no one."

The man is running an illegal casino in the back of his cafe, one that, as is shown over and over, is fixed in it's practices. The gamblers, struggling refugees, are only destined to lose money, as a result, and the one taking their money is Rick himself.

A man is arrested in his cafe near the beginning of the film, yet we know this is not the first time. Though this particular arrestee has shady intentions, we can only assume that not all of the victims are the same. Those that were arrested for their heroic deeds against the Germans, for example, may as well have asked Rick for help given his enormous reputation, only to be given the cold shoulder as the man knows better to get into other peoples affairs.

When the girl who causes this terrible turn shows up at his bar, and confronts him to tell him the story of why she left, he only reacts harshly and with remorse. The man is broken, obviously, but in his brokeness he almost hurts his chances at decent closure.

He isn't looking, isn't wanting, and will never know love at this rate. So to him he is his own villain, and to others he is just the same, yet if anything respectable because the man can certaintly do business.

Why else is it that the bartender, French captain, and cafe host are all surprised when Rick does something nice for someone other than himself for a change? They are estatic! They give him hugs and drinks!

It's a change from his selfish ways.

I was a lot like Rick. My broken heart is enough for me to remain cautious. It's enough to justify my actions and allow myself to be slightly guarded and wary.

But then I allowed that wariness to turn into insecurities, arrogance, and untrusting attitude. This, my friends, is not the signs of a respectable man who has it all together. Instead it's the signs of a man who is a villain to himself and to those around him. (This isn't just compared to Rick either, you can name a lot of villains who were only acting out by their own victimized past and whose motives are very much justifiable.)

I allowed my insecurities to cloud my judgement, and my arrogance to take over when I confronted those close to me about things unseen. I didn't allow myself to trust, and so I hurt the people around me by not showing them a care. This pushes them away, hurts them, makes them suffer, just like a true villain does to others, and I had become that villain.

But I thought myself the victim. Only trying to protect myself. To not be hurt again like in the past.

And I ended up being the person I didn't want to be.
People were suffering.
And I was the cause.
I was no hero.

Rick Blaine is able to redeem himself at the end of the movie. He sells the cafe, rectifies his love, and even kills the Nazi Major and becoming "a patriot" to a cause other than himself.

If I'm to make that kind of transformation, I'm going to have to get rid of those insecurities. To let the past be the past, find the good of them and learn, and go on being a man of action; instead of wallowing in my own sorrows. I need to stop letting my bad experiences control my emotions, and stop playing the victim.

Because I don't like turning into the villain.
I don't like making others suffer.
I just want to be the hero.
I want to make things right.