I find myself not wanting things that I used to. I find that my strive to find meaningful relationships doesn't pertain just to "the right girl" anymore. I find that I'm gaining a foothold again, through all of my struggles. I find I'm working on projects, inspired again by multiple things. I'm in people's lives, somehow and not just a specific group of people. I'm gaining a sense of Mattias again, and I quite enjoy that.
I was forced, or coerced, by God to change my life. It doesn't mean I understand any better where it's going, but at least I'm not so confused anymore about who I am. At times I still feel inadequate, like I'm not nearly as important in people's lives as I think I am, but I'm making an effort not just at friendships, but at loving people in general, and I know it's helping.
I still struggle with loneliness and lust, and it causes me to stumble and forget who I am, but I pray to be rid of the unbecoming aspects of me all the time. Though I get caught up in old habits, I do find I am progressing slowly, and as I make more of an effort I will find myself soon somewhere I probably never expected to be, and that's exciting.
I'm living in the moment, and I feel so good about it that I wonder why I ever stopped in the first place.
The other day I had coffee with a new friend, and I caught myself in the middle of telling her all that I'm trying to do. I'm part of two small groups. I have a bible study with a group of men, including my pastor. I'm working on becoming a leader within the church. I've told part of my story for a series at church, broadcast in front of everyone. All this and more coming.
She says, "wow...you're really involved."
"Yeah..." I said surprisingly, "I guess I am."
(I mean, how many people get to say they are in a bible study with their own pastor!)
I may have put myself in these places one way or another, I may have screwed up and may feel so far below dirt that it's hard to get up, but when I look at my life I realize God has still been working. He's gotten me somewhere that I somehow missed in all the confusion. He's given me a lot, despite how much I tried to take control, and is fulfilling a promise in the background that is sometimes hard to see. So much that I wonder to myself "How did I even get here?"
For that, I feel blessed.
Thank you God.
Mattias is an actor, writer, filmmaker, and editor currently living in Los Angeles, CA. He often writes about his observations about life, the human condition, spirituality, and relationships. He also enjoys writing about movies, pop culture, formula one, and current events. Often these writings are 'initial thoughts' and un-edited, as authentic as possible, and should be considered opinions. If you're interested in commenting on his work, or continuing the conversation, you should consider following him on Twitter or share an article on social media, where he would love to engage even further. Consider subscribing via RSS for more.