There's nothing dangerous about it. You can see that. Plenty of room for clearance. Rocks are non-existent. The water is deep enough. At this distance there's no true danger upon impact. Except he hesitates. It's not the jump that he's worried about. It's the swim. Treading water. Climbing back up. He hasn't used these muscles in a while, he says, and he's not sure his leg will work after the last injury. But you know these are just excuses. You know, as well as he, that he's going to eventually jump. It's just a matter of when.
So what do you do?
Let's flip the narrative and the roles.
Imagine that cliff is a girl...Or a boy. I really don't care how you swing, but for me it's a girl. And you're the one that wants to jump, and by that I mean "ask her out." You and your friend both know you're going to do it. There's no inherent danger. He tells you to just go for it. But you can't. Why? Cause: excuses. Still - he knows you want to. You know you want to. You both know it's only a matter of when.
I didn't realize at first, but while sitting in that tiny room with six grown men, contemplating the difficulty between accepting other's forgiveness or God's or our own, and discussing the merits of grace itself, I discovered the root of my disease. Not the starting point, mind you, but the area which has kept me stuck for more than ten years. When the conversation turned my way I was struck with silence. Typically I'm not known as a quiet one, but I was afraid of saying anything. Nerves were not the issue. It was the simplicity.
"It can't be this." I thought. "Because the sense it makes is way too much."
I have made a habit about overanalyzing all my problems. Overthinking every scenario. If I wasn't hitting a question from a new angle, a different perspective, then I felt like I was wasting my breath. Yet I had already inhaled a moment before, and all eyes were on me, so I let the words escape before the thoughts could hinder.
A major component of raising children comes with the initial perspective upon conception. How do you view your children? If they are someone to be molded or shaped, then most likely you'll spend much of your time correcting behavior, pointing out what they are doing wrong, or making decisions based on what you believe is best for them. This is somewhat of the "You are my child and you do what I say" mentality; though it doesn't have to be as strong. If they were a mistake - or unexpected - then most of your time might be a frustrating example of how to get your two lives (before the child/after the child) to align, or playing catchup. That's not to take away from the mistakes that have become major blessings to countless parents out there. However, for me, the view of the child has to be that of a gift. From the conception onward, this is a human being, created by God for a purpose. Sure, it's my job to guide them, and maybe even teach them the ways of the world.
More importantly - it's my privilege to witness them discover who they are.
There's an image of Aladdin standing on a floating carpet. He asks, "Do you trust me?" with an outstretched hand. Then before you know it we're sweapt up onto the carpet with him, and we're on this magical ride through the desert during a musical scene that has captured the hearts of millions of little girls everywhere. It is that moment, however, with the outstretched hand, that we seem to glaze over completely. We want the magic. We want to fly. We want the fireworks. We want to fall in love. But that all starts with the question. The invitation.
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Pretty sure that phrase has been eradicated from current existance. Maybe. I dunno. Does this happen to anyone anymore? I don't think so. Today we have many ways of communicating with people, and when it comes to cancelling plans there are no lack of options available. Send a text, facebook message, carrior pidgeon, whatever - either way your crappy excuse for not wanting to show up on a date can easily be sent with no consequence. So you might be asking yourself: How did this happen?
Having re-entered the dating game...no...construct...no...scene...no...dilemma...no...process-of-social-interactions-hopefully-resulting-in-lasting-connections-and-deeper-relationships. ..
Having begun dating again I've decided to approach it differently. Shocker. (you're not allowed to give me the definition of insanity anymore.) Call it a social experiment, call it being desperate, or just call it stupid. I prefer the term maverick, for the record, or genius, for my close friends. Whatever it is...it's different. In today's age of digital connection and with no lack of options for pursuing relationships, I've decided to go Old School.
No phone. No app. No facebook. No contact other than face-to-face.
I wrote a song lyric to help illustrate:
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I know this because I attend a 12-step program to help free me from it.
I have struggled with this for over 10 years.
We have approached the amends stage in our recovery program. This is steps 8 & 9. This is hard for me because I thought I had another six months before this moment. Asking for forgiveness, you'd think, would come after recovery. Here it is part of the process. Already we've dug into the trenches of our lives, discovering what lead us to our individual struggles, and attempted to piece together a map of past character defects. With each successful unearthing comes a slew of regrets. Now we face the truth, and must apologize for the harm we've caused.
I thought this would be easy. We are told not to expect anything in return. This I can agree with. Owning up to my mistakes is not an issue. The problem with co-dependency, however, is that it is strictly relational. Approaching someone from my past is confronting my co-depency head on. If my ex-girlfriends were once an addiction, asking me to make amends to them is almost like asking a now sober alcoholic to swim in a pool of pilsner, and challenging them to not take one sip.
Not. One. Sip.
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These journeys are definitely possible. We're not talking about the fastest man to trek everest or the lone survivor in a mission gone wrong. Those are exciting and noteworthy stories, but you're not ready to break records. Mountains on our adventures come without warning. Seemingly erecting themselves before our very eyes. You have not trained years for this. If you attempt to go this alone, you will not make it.
insurmountable.
I took over a year off writing blogs, albeit a little unintentional, because I had a mountain to face. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming. There in the distance. Stretching for miles across the horizon. Ranges upon ranges. I took my time here in the jungle. I found distractions. I weighed my options and looked for a path around, something far easier, and discovered my destination was only possible if I went straight through.
but you don't scale mountains alone.
Love this quote from Chris Evans about becoming Captain America:
Legend has it that Jacob, the younger, came out of the womb clinging to the heel of Esau. This being the beginning of their story, as well as it's inclusion within the Book of Genesis, one can gather that this will be quite a thrilling tale. There is manipulation: Jacob tricks his older brother into giving up his birthright for a bowl of soup - which Esau famished-ly seeks after a long hunt. There is deception: Jacob putting on goat-skin to fool his father into believing the younger is actually Esau, to gain his father's blessing and inheritance normally given to the eldest. There is rivalry: After Esau finds out, he threatens to kill Jacob, whom decides to get out of dodge with everything he now claims as his own.
It is strange to think that after all this we find that Jacob is actually the protagonist of the story. One starts to feel sorry for Esau, who is barely mentioned throughout the rest of the bible, and is controversially "hated" by God in half of those mentions.
Granted there is no evidence that Esau ever relied on God for much, or even turned to him for guidance throughout his life. However in our acceptance as an audience to dismiss Esau as the text surely does, I believe we have missed a valuable lesson still to be derived from these brothers.
